I’m not opposed to bribery….

Dear Avery,

I have your baby car seat installed in my truck. It has toys attached to the handle that jingle and makes happy little noises when I drive, it’s all ready for you to get comfy in for your ride home from the hospital.

I was all geared up and ready to meet you on Monday when you played peek-a-boo with us, and now waiting for your arrival is even harder than it was before….Grammy is really antsy and you’re just being a stinker!

I’ll make you a deal. You come on out asap and I promise I will always have bubbles for you to play with, and I promise to always let you have the first cookie out of the oven even though your Poppa will pout because he won’t get the first one anymore. I promise to read your favorite story to you even if I’ve already read it to you 20 times that day.

In addition, I promise to always keep your secrets, so you go ahead and tell me everything. I promise not to judge you unfairly. I promise to never let you forget how brilliant and beautiful you are. I promise to never, ever tell you “not now, I’m busy” when you want to play, Poppa can order pizza for dinner or make a PB &J.

You have my word that I will attend every sporting event, dance recital, school function you participate in, and to cheer loudly and with much enthusiasm even if you suck at said activity. While we’re on the subject of school, I also promise to always have your back if kids pick on you….

As God is my witness you will never have to endure the horror of orange-powder-coated fake macaroni and cheese from a box. Grammy will make you the good stuff, with real cheese. Ditto for instant mashed potatoes….

I promise not to let you leave the house looking like a slutty no-no when you’re a teenager. Furthermore, I promise to teach you respect and manners so Grown ups will find you a joy to be around as opposed to a spoiled pain in the ass. I promise to help you remember to toe the line, and to know that your actions will have consequences so that you will grow up to be a mature, responsible human being. You’ll thank me later for instilling these fundamental values in you….

Because I love you soooooo much, I likewise promise to leave the driving lessons to your Poppa….you are welcome!

So, you have to admit I’ve made you a pretty sweet deal….now come play with me already!!!


Your Extremely Impatient Grammy