Lesson 9: Hi. I’m a moron. Teach me sumpin’…

Lets see…..


A few of us get together and decide to burgle a home….

And we of course (duh, we’re morons) get busted…

We can’t be bothered to come up with any plausible story ahead of time much less one that we can all agree on…

So we all tell a different one to the police….

Suspect One: Uhhhhhh….see, me and my girlfriend are looking for a new neighborhood to live in. Ya know, one with a low crime rate? ‘Cuz it’s better for the kids right?? So I was just checking things out, I dunno what these other 2 fools is doing here….

Suspect Two: So, it’s like dis. I wuz tryin’ to buy some weed ya know? And my regular dealer, he’s in jail, man. So I haz to find a new guy, see? And dis homey, he done took my money and runned the f*ck off wiffout givin’ me my smoke so’s I haz to chase his ass and he runned in dis house here and so’s I runned in here too….

Suspect Three: Officer, I was merely walking by and just happened to look in the window and spied a giant snake loose in the house so I, being a good Samaritan, came in to capture the snake to protect the family who lives here. Yes, the ones that aren’t home right now. Because no one wants to come home to a giant snake slitherly amok in the house….

True. Effin. Story. I cannot make this shit up, I’m not that clever….

Here’s the lesson boys and girls:

How to  Appear Slightly Less Moronic When Arrested for Burglary

Think up a lie. Any lie. Just make sure everyone involved knows said lie. Any lie is more believable when told by multiple people….for example:

  1. Aliens abducted you and dropped you into this strangers house. Google pictures of Aliens and space crafts so that you can give detailed descriptions. Don’t go into the whole anal probing thing as it usually just gives people the skeevies to hear about it. Do include the fact that had you all not forgotten to wear your tin foil hats none of this would have happened. Twitch. A lot….

It's best to keep your Alien description simple so it's easier to remember. Even for morons...

2.  You and all of your companions were suddenly and inexplicably overcome with uncontrollable diarrhea…Naturally, you were all just looking for a house that appeared clean and containing multiple bathrooms. No one was home so you were just about to leave a $20 to cover the cost of toilet paper used and an apology note when the nice Officers appeared.

(This actually happened to me and Red once. Not the diarrhea part, or the got arrested part,  but on this particular occasion she decided mid-trip that she had to pee really, reallly bad and just COULD NOT WAIT until we got to our destination. There might have been large quantities of alcohol involved, but I admit nothing. She made me pull into one of those icky “Rent by the week” motels because she saw a really nice gentleman sitting there with his door open at 10 pm….she flounced out of the car, introduced herself to the guy, they instantly became BFFs and she used his bathroom….That Ted Bundy, he was a helluva nice guy really…..)

3.  Demand to see Ashton Kutcher. Insist you’re being punked and boy is he going to be in big trouble when you find him….BE INDIGNANT.

4.  Amnesia. Who are you?? Where am I?? You think I did what?? I don’t remember….Who are you again? Who the hell am I?? This will most likely not work as a group excuse, but better left to when you commit robbery on your own. In which case it has nothing to do with the purpose of this post, as THIS post is about lying effectively as a GROUP. Never mind, forget I brought it up…..

5. Dementia. This one will work in a group situation. I suggest wearing your PJ’s, a dog food bowl on your head, (JO) and carry an old faded plastic plant in a stew pot, (ME) filling the pot with actual stew would be a nice touch although it will make it slightly heavy to lug to the scene of the crime. Also messy, but it’s an optional detail. One of you could carry a large spoon (BUBBE?) and salt shaker . Another of you could go sans PJ’s if they’re truly comfortable with having all of their wobbly bits out there for all to see. (PAM?? No? Ok) if you want to go for the allusion of truly wacko, carry a Snoopy doll and a GI Joe. Then, see #4 for the where’s, who’s, what’s….

Jo, Bubbe, Pam and Me. I am clearly the most convincing liar as I am on the outside of the cell....

None of this post should replace obtaining actual legal advice or representation when any group of dumbasses get’s caught in the act of stealing anything. I just heard about the original group of morons on the radio while driving to work and thought to myself “Self, those moron’s could have used your superior wit and intellect to come up with a consistent lie”. So ya know, I felt compelled to help….

Please resume whatever f*ckery you were doing before you stopped to read this, but absorb the knowledge imparted here for future reference….