And then I had a hissy fit.

Wedding Hoopla Day 3 (Friday)

I resolved the frozen pork shoulder incident by thawing them in the sink filled with water…*sigh* Braised them in my famous Pepperoni Sauce and served them over cheese tortellini. The masses approved….

Our Florist called about noon to say the bouquets, corsages and boutonnieres were done and did we want to come take a sneak peak at them….hells yes we do! So Britt and I load up, and Vivi meets us there on her way back from picking up Fluffy Squirrel Girl at the airport and we go drool, oooooh and ahhhhhhh over the ridiculously beautiful flowers. Vivi, being Chef Vivi wanted a mix of fresh herbs, along with belles of Ireland, heather and calla lilies. Who knew herbs would make such a beautiful bouquet??? Not me.

Also?? Hugged my FSG, my daughter I’ve never met, until I’m pretty sure she nearly fainted from lack of oxygen. And she squeezed me right back….:)

I had a little time to kill before heading the airport to pick up Red, so of course I stopped at an antique/junk store, bought the cutest wood Coca Cola crate to store TP in for my bathroom….’cause you know, I haven’t spent nearly enough money this week already….

Grab Red, hug her tight and then back to the house to finish up the food ’cause Peeps will be arriving in an hour…

27 people. All this space and where do they congregate?? In a big bunch. In the middle of the kitchen. So no one can get to the food. Oy….

Greet my Arkansas Family. This…this is monumental. I haven’t seen my big brother in about 10 years. I have a great Nephew whom I’ve never met. There were tears…..that’s all I’m going to say about that……

Have a meltdown when we can’t find the bag with the Bridal parties jewelry in it….have a glass of wine when we find it…

Almost have a wreck on the way to the rehearsal.

Miss my exit for Spearfish and don’t realize I’ve missed it until I see the sign that says “8 miles to Wyoming”….backtrack 14 miles.

Stop talking to Red and pay attention to where I’m going. Not so good with the multi-tasking….

Giggle when the Flower girl (who turns 5 on Sunday) and the ring bearer (who turned 3 in August) decide they like each other and start holding hands, as they wander around…..have a complete moment of awwwwwwwwwwe when we catch them hugging each other!

  Come home, realize I can’t load the background music on my ipod for the DJ to play as guests arrive because the Best Man has hijacked it for some inexplicable reason and has it in Spearfish with him.

Me: Hon, where’s my ipod?

Hubs: Cash has it.

Me: Wha???? I need it! I have to load the background music on it!!

Hubs:

Me:

Hubs:

Me: GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr!  

Pack up my laptop to use instead. Awesome. ‘Cause A) I have sooooo much extra room in my car for another bag (NOT) and B) I’m super happy to have one more thing to carry in the morning. Vow to sic BRIDEZILLA on him at the first given opportunity. Reconsider as he’s too young to die. Vow to step on his toes with authority while dancing. Or kick him in the shins and run away…

Pack.

Head to bed around 1 a.m. and set my alarm for 6…..

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

🙂

PS…..As it’s after midnight as I write this…..

MY DAUGHTER IS GETTING HITCHED TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!! yikes…..

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Thank You, and not just on Sundays

You Peeps amaze me!

The Blog had 213 more visitors in September than it did in August and now has readers in 36 countries! Honestly, I couldn’t even name 36 countries….Where is Oman?? Anybody?? I have 2 readers there, please tell me where you are and how the heck you found me!

GROWTH IS GOOD!! (unless we’re talking about my rear-end and then growth is bad, but that’s a post for another day!)

I started this little venture on a whim. The idea just popped in my head one day, I pushed it to the back burner and let it marinate for a few days. Then I did some research, found a webhost I liked, plunked down my money and bought my domain and never looked back!

I’ve written a new post every day for the 80 days since gram-cracker.com went live. Some days I can’t type fast enough to keep up with the torrent of words flying out of my brain.  Other days I sit with fingers poised on the keyboard waiting for something remotely interesting to say, completely unable to form a coherent thought. Waiting….

Some days I write multiple posts because the ideas just appear out of nowhere and pretty much write themselves, so I end up stockpiling stories which comes in handy for those days when I got nuthin’….

I’ve written drafts that seemed great at the time, but I’ve never published because in retrospect they don’t seem that great. So they sit in my drafts folder waiting to be reworked into something worth your time…

I find inspiration in the wierdest places, at the strangest moments; I wrote Dear Ben & Jerry, Grammy’s got your back in my head on my way to work. I logged into my computer and wrote the draft in 3 minutes! It took me longer to find the links I wanted to include than it did to write the post…all because I read a snippet of a story on Yahoo about the One Million Mom protest.

The single most popular post to date has been No really, you SHOULDN’T have which I totally wrote as a joke, the second most read post has been Date Night which honestly I thought was just a little filler piece…Then there are the posts I labored over that held very little interest for anyone but me apparently, A totally scientific study in cultural differences being one of them. I thought that one was funny as hell in a very sarcastic kind of way. Ya’ll disagreed!

I am most proud, from a writer’s standpoint of The loss of small town innocence. It came straight from my gut, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried almost the entire time I was writing it. It’s difficult to type when your vision is blurred and you can’t see the monitor….

Why do I blog? Because it’s theraputic, like journaling for some people. It’s gratifying. It makes me look at things and people around me in a whole new way, because now everything is fodder for the Blog. I saw this t-shirt online that says “I’m blogging all of this” and I’m soooooo getting it because it’s absolutely the truth!

I used to have things like E-online and CNN online bookmarked on my laptop. Now I have the Urban dictionary and thesarus.com bookmarked because I get tired of describing thing as amazing and I’m sure you get tired of reading the same adjectives over and over…

This Blog has become my hobby, my obsession. It’s now what I do. I get up in the morning, review the day’s post for the 100th time and then publish it. Then I spend about an hour reading and commenting on other Blogger’s sites to help generate traffic to mine. I write, edit, rewrite or proofread at work when I have time. I write, edit, research, rewrite, proofread, photograph some more when I get home. I average about 4 hours a day working on drafts.

Everytime one of you hits that little “share” button at the top and bottom of every post, I get a new reader or 2. So THANK YOU, from the bottom of heart. Thank you!

🙂

A little thing called integrity….

I HATE GETTING RIPPED OFF!!!

I admit it. I am a laptoping-it-from-my-couch kind of consumer. I shop online. A lot. And 75% of the time it’s from big trustworthy vendors like Amazon ’cause they love me and give me free 2 day shipping….Please don’t send me hate mail about how I’m not supporting my local economy, I know okay??

During all this Wedding/Baby whirlwind of shopping I have strayed onto some sites that I’d never heard of, put my faith in their hands and trusted that they were honest and ethical. Without exception they were. I even got one item that came with a hand written Thank You note which impressed the hell outta me…

As happens sometimes, a few things had to be returned. Again without exception everything went smoothly and refunds were credited back to me promptly.

And then I got scammed. Bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Swindled. Duped. From the least expected source, a Navy wife. She makes cute little hair bows, Chef Vivi knew her having been stationed with this person’s Husband and she had ordered some really cute bows for Avery.  So I “liked” the Facebook page for this Gals little business and ordered one for $14 bucks!! $14 bucks for one little headband…but it was precious and I could just picture my Peanut wearing it plus I liked the idea of supporting a Navy wife trying to make a little extra money. You know, since we’re also a Navy family and all I wanted to help out…

I mean, how cute is this??

Without blinking an eye I contacted her, picked out what I wanted and sent the payment via PayPal the very same day with assurances from her that it was shipping out in 2-3 days. That was back in July. I waited…..and waited….and waited…..

I finally contacted BowLady about 3 weeks later, and was told “I just got my headbands in yesterday 🙂 I will ship it Monday. The retailer was slower than molasses in winter :)”…Ok, contacting me about the delay would have been nice but Hey, I’m an understanding person. And I waited….and waited….and waited….

Another 3 weeks went by and I sent this gentle reminder,  “Honey, I never have received the bow I paid for a long time ago” to which I got “I believe it was the cupcake bow with the headband for an infant? It went out last week. I am sorry it took so long, my supplier ended up going out of business and not telling anyone. It should be there this week”. I wanted to say Oh don’t you just hate when you’ve ordered something and you get ZERO Customer Service informing you of delays and problems with your order?? But I didn’t because that would have been rude...So I waited….and waited….and waited….

A few days later I went to my PayPal account to start a dispute only to find out that since I had been so dang nice for so effing long my transaction was over 30 days old and therefore no longer eligible for intervention on their part. Geesh…Lesson to everyone, pitch a fit promptly. Don’t be all nice like me….

And then I got pissed and sent this: “I’d like to ask for a refund of the $14 dollars I paid for this bow over two months ago as I don’t believe it has ever been shipped”…3 days later I got “Sorry, things have been crazy here. I will send you a certified check with a tracking number next week. Sorry for the inconvenience. :)” REALLY??? You’re sorry for the inconvenience??? And you’ll send a check NEXT WEEK????  And which is it, the tracking number because you finally did the right thing, or a refund?

That was 9 days ago and I’m still waiting for my damn check….If this person lived within 5oo miles of me I’d soooooooo be pooping in her driveway.

So because I’m such a nice person, I’m going to help this Navy wife again by giving a lesson in how to run a successful small business:

1. Communication is key. If your customers order is going to be delayed past the promised ship date or there are any availability issues, let them know immediately! It’s called being proactive, you can look it up HERE if you’re unsure of what that word means.

2. Keep your word. Your online customers have to be able to trust you. Word of mouth is the fastest way to grow, or kill your business. If you promise something, do it as promised! It’s called being honest, you can look it up HERE if that word is foreign to you.

3. Never forget that NO MATTER what you’re selling, a hundred other people are selling the same thing. People will buy from you if you offer the best quality, and give them a nice warm fuzzy feeling about thier transaction with you. It’s called Customer Service, and you clearly need to look it up HERE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Case in point, I found this one on Etsy for $5.75 which included the shipping:

Clay Bow Center: Cupcake Flat Back No Hole Hair Bow Center

Just as cute? I think YES!

That concludes today’s rant lesson. And remember, it’s never a good idea to piss off a writer who is the sole owner of a Blog with readers in 36 countries….I’m just sayin’….

PS….Chef Vivi, I totally understand if you don’t “share” this post on your Facebook page! It’s ok, Mama just needed to vent….

 

In a funk….Or, come here and let me stab you with my pencil.

Disclaimer: No one was hurt during the writing of this Blog. I have never actually stabbed anyone with a pencil. Or any other pointy object. I have thought about it but you can’t give me a hard time about stuff I only thought about doing. Nope. You can’t….Nuh uh…. 

Ever wake up in a funk? A foul, black mood of a funk for no apparent reason? Where you can’t even blame anybody for it because you woke up that way???? Welcome to my world….

This is me today, gimme a pencil.....

On days like this it would benefit everyone who is unfortunate enough to come into contact with me if I could just stay home in my cave. That ain’t happening so deal with it and try to fly under the radar people! At the very least maintain a safe distance of at least 6 feet, and don’t make direct eye contact. Try to take sneak all sharp pointy objects, or things that could be chunked at you off my desk when I’m not looking….

No, I’m not out of my meds. Why do you ask????

Do not, under any circumstances think you can “cheer me up” by being all perky and cheerful to me. This will only cause my head to spin 360 and putrid green stuff to spew from my mouth. It will not end happily for you….Likewise, don’t fool yourself into thinking you can “out grump” me. Foolish foolish little person, you’re dealing with a professional here…it will not end happily for you. Plus there’s only room for one asshole here today and it ain’t you. Amateur….You totally can’t “out Snarky” me either. I’m the Queen of Snark. I roll my eyes at your pitiful attempts…..Com’ere to me, and bring me a pencil.

Leave me alone and no one will get hurt.

Try leaving me presents, like chocolate (Truffles work best) or iced Caramel Macchiato’s. Or a funnel cake. Just set them on my desk and back away slowly….It won’t totally cure the funk, but it could save your life. Or leave cash. In fact the whole cash thing is a fabulous idea. Send me a dollar and I won’t find your house and poop in your driveway. That’s a bargain. You’d have to pay someone a lot more than a dollar to clean the driveway.  You are welcome.

These are not complicated instructions, I really don’t see why people fail to follow them to the letter. If you choose to ignore them, you really can’t complain when you get eviscerated now can you???  It’s like ignoring the clanging bells and flashing lights at a railroad crossing and then wondering why you got squished beyond all recognition. It’s because you’re dumb, that’s why….

Have a nice day…

UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!!! I wrote this yesterday, but today I woke up my usual happy, cheerful self. Everyone should be perfectly safe when approaching me, the risk of dismemberment and other such shenanigans is verrrrry low today. So if you survived yesterday, YAY!!!  And if you didn’t, well….geesh I’m awful sorry but I hear they’re doing wonderful things with prosthetic limbs these days…. 🙂