Yay no work today! Wait…..wha??

I’m off work today! A nice mid week break, right??

Uh uh.

I’m off work today because I have to go to the dentist.

I’m off work today because I have to go to the dentist to be tortured for 3 hours.

I’m off work today because I have to go to the dentist to be tortured for 3 hours because I need 2 fillings and have a tooth that I had a root canal done to years ago and now its all broken and can’t be saved so it has to be removed.

Because I only go to the dentist once a decade. And only then if I have a toothache. Because the dentist is the scariest, most terrifying person on earth. Debilitating terribly terrifying. I’s skeered…

I was not raised on going to the dentist twice a year, or anything resembling regularly. You had a toothache, you ignored it as long as possible and then you went in and had the tooth pulled. ‘Cuz we was poor. And so it went until you’d had enough teeth pulled that you just went ahead and had them ALL pulled and got dentures. My Mom had dentures in her 40’s, my oldest Bro did. But….I don’t wanna….

Why? A) I’m vain. I’m married to a man 12 years my Junior and I don’t want him running around married to a toothless old lady. B) I like caramel. And popcorn. And all the other foods false-teeth-wearing folks find difficult to chew. I like chewing….C) It’ll hurt. And D) I don’t want to give my children one more thing to make fun of me for….

‘Cuz they would….they’re MY children after all, so of course they would. Watching your Mother struggling to separate her teeth that are firmly cemented together with a Brach’s caramel is amusing. Ditto for when she is so hungry after leaving the grocery store that she bites into a slightly too green banana and is forced to drive down the road with a slightly too green banana protruding from her face because her teeth are stuck in it….

They just don’t need that kind of ammunition….

So, I’m biting the proverbial bullet and getting my chompers fixed. Although, the real culprit in all my dental issues are not my teeth so much as my gums. I have ADVANCED PERIODONTAL DISEASE and my teeth are precariously close to falling the f*ck out of my head all by themselves apparently. That’ll be attractive….running around with my hand perpetually cupped under my chin to catch my own teeth as they evacuate my face, living in constant terror that my reflexes will be too slow and one will plop into my Friday afternoon cocktail at work. Won’t the boys have fun with THAT. 

No. Just…No.

After Satan the Dentist finishes with phase 1 of operation “Lets Make Lori Suffer For Her Years Of Improper Brushing, No Damn Flossing And General Lazy Neglect Of Her Teeth”, she’s sending me to THE PERIODONTIST for Phases 2 through 57. Where I will experience the joys of having the dead, rotten parts of my gums repeatedly cut away in hopes that healthy tissue will grow, and having my roots scraped to rid them of 49.999 years of built up CRUD that is causing the bacterial infection that has eaten away 50% of my jaw bone.

Fun, huh??

Yay. Me.

All I can say is, GO BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH! FLOSS LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW! USE THE NASTY LISTERINE NO MATTER HOW AWFUL IT IS. AND PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO TO THE EFFIN’ DENTIST MORE THAN ONCE A DECADE!!!

Oy….

This is fixin' to be Me.....

🙂

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