Pray for thine enemies??

My Peanut is about to be a whole month old…

Her Mommy recently had a meeting at a notory’s office with the Sperm Donor so he could sign the Paternity Affidavit the hospital requested. He never even asked about the Baby, not “how is she?” “is she healthy?” nada…but did feel it was his right to comment negatively on Britt’s new hairdo….‘cuz that was the important issue at hand.

Jackass….

Someone explain to me how this person has managed to create one of the most amazing teenage girls on the planet and yet be such an incredible schmuck. Anybody?? I’m going to chalk it up to an incredibly strong gene pool from the Mom of Peanut’s big Sister.

I’m going to say a prayer for him….

Dear Lord,

Please look out for this person, don’t let a train or anything run over him.

Lord, please don’t let a meteor fall and land on his head.

I pray Lord, that his hair doesn’t fall out in clumps leaving bald patches so that he ends up looking like the dog from “Steele Magnolias”.

Lord, please don’t let a nervous skunk get trapped in his leased Jaguar all night. That would be terrible.

He really enjoys playing pool Lord, so whatever you do, don’t let him have a really bad allergic reaction to anything that would cause his hands to inexplicably swell to 10 times thier normal size, thus preventing him from being able to enjoy his 2nd favorite hobby. (The first being stroking his own over-inflated ego)

And Lord, it would be really awful for him if he were to develop an incurable case of explosive diarrhea. So don’t do that…

Please, please don’t let him fall off a cliff while enjoying a stroll thru the Slim Buttes, plunging him hundred’s of feet down into a ravine where he might be consumed by hungry coyotes.

I want to Thank you Lord for making Peanut look like her Mommy. The alternative just doesn’t bear thinking about…and ask in all seriousness, please let him get a big fat raise at work so the State can get lots and lots of Child Support out of him.

Thanks for your time,

Amen.

It takes a really good person to pray for one’s enemy…

Go me.

🙂

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And then you shocked the hell outta me…

Ummmmm…

Nearly 1000 of you visited me yesterday….

At first I was like Holy crap! Go me! I started thinking maybe there was a glitch in my counter….But then I just settled into a state of shock and awe. I mean, where did you all come from? How did you find me?

And why the heck don’t you come visit everyday??? HA!

I’m a little perplexed…Do you find my musings entertaining? Enlightening? Encouraging?

Or, is it possible, just possible that the secret is out: I’m friggin brilliant?

My Mom always said so.

So let’s think about that for a minute, and bask in my brilliance. Shall we??

1. I’ve taught you how to deal with Douche Canoes and awkward moments. Because I don’t want you to be ill equipped for life’s problems…Go me!

2. I’ve instructed you on how to make a voodoo doll. Because sometimes they’re necessary and I care. Go me!

3. I shared the best cookie recipe on the planet with you, because I’m a giver. Go me!

4. I’ve shared my family’s embarrassing moments, for your entertainment. Because I don’t believe in censorship. And I’m sorry, but that shit’s funny. So Go me!

5. I have shared the awesomeness that is my Avery with you, because she’s too amazing to keep to myself. Go me again! (And Go Avery!)

6. I let you know what a sucker I am for my dogs and how they like to make a fool of me. Because I have no shame. Go me!

7. I shared the recipe for homemade tater tots with you. Because only the best for my peeps. Go me!

8. I openly confessed my problems with addiction And encouraged everyone to become an addict with me. I’m selfless like that. Go me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. I’ve bared my soul. Because keeping in how I felt just hurt. Go me…

10. I’ve made fun of myself , to give you a chuckle. Because I love ya! Go me!

11. I’ve shared my episodes of shameless behavior. Because, well….I’m shameless! So GO ME!

I think we can all agree that I pretty much rock, right??

🙂

PS….Thanks for visiting! Muah!

Lesson 1: Dealing with a Douche Canoe

Have a troublesome Ex? Then this is for you….

Douche Canoe: I feel the name sums it up but let me clarify for those who have led a charmed and sheltered life….A douche canoe is just another moniker for a scumbag, deadbeat, dirtball or any person who is generally hateful, heartless, devoid of humanity, irresponsible, mean, believes in using people for their own gain, or well……douchey…Here’s how the Urban Dictionary defines it.

Chalk it up to a defective abdul oblongata. Or too much glue sniffed while still a youth, or maybe their Mom snorted coke while she was pregnant. Maybe they were dropped on their head as a child, or maybe they’re just really, really ignorant. Whichever scenario you choose to lay the blame on, Douche Canoes exist and you will at some point in your life be forced to deal with them.

Revenge may be sweet, but vengeful shenanigans are way fun! The plan here is not to cause physical damage, just to really, really annoy and confuse them….if you see them wandering around muttering “why me???” with a dazed look on their face, then well done my vengeful minions, well done!

  1. Take out subscriptions to “Living with Aids” magazines in their name and have them delivered to their new significant other’s address.
  2. Circulate flyers and whistles in their neighborhood/apt building informing people that this person is a convicted flasher and if seen do not make eye contact, blow the whistle as loud as you can, we have undercover officers in the area…
  3. While you’re making flyer’s, make up a few hundred more listing their name and phone number, advertising “cheap iPads $50 bucks or best offer” and hang them on grocery store/laundry mat/walmart bulletin boards.
  4. Take out a ad in the local newspaper advertising their desire to find a transvestite lover.
  5. Use plain white contact paper to make a bumper sticker that reads: “Proud Member of the KKK” and adhere it to their car…
  6. Have flowers or balloons delivered to their office with a card that reads “Congrats on your successful gender reassignment surgery!”
  7. Google “get free stuff” and sign them up for everything. Those websites are notorious for sharing email addresses so their email account will be flooded with junk mail…
  8. Get up early Sunday morning and put a sign in their yard that says” Open House, free coffee and doughnuts 8 am to noon”, hang a couple of posters on the corners directing traffic to the open house…
  9. Grease the door handles of their car with Vaseline.
  10. Go to all the bars/nightclubs in town and hang their picture in the ladies room with the caption: “Missing, father of 6. Please help us find our Daddy”

*Disclaimer* I’ve never actually done any of these things to my poop of an Ex. The worst I ever did was leave the plastic wrap on the american cheese I put on his sandwich. Unless you count divorcing him…BUT just thinking about fun but relatively harmless ways to exact revenge has always amused me….

**Disclaiimer #2** I did not coin the name Douche Canoe. The Bloggess did that, but I’m assuming she won’t mind my using it as long as I use it correctly. Which I feel confident I have.

 Plus, I really feel it’s a total argument-ender. You get in an argument, ya call ’em a Douche Canoe and boom! No more argument because there’s no comeback to top that….

You’re welcome!

This has been a public service announcement. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming….

🙂