Sometimes the Zoloft isn’t enough…

I wrote a whole series of “Letting Go” posts last year after our last family gathering. I returned from that trip hurt and resentful. I wanted to rid myself of those feelings, to teach my self to overcome them by being stronger and developing a thicker skin. I’ve failed…miserably.

I am really struggling today…I still hurt. I still waste my time and energy feeling sad, frustrated and insignificant. I still lay awake, unable to stop my brain from reliving those feelings. My resolve to take away the power of others to hurt me has become non-existent. I have no idea how to fix me. I feel alone. I’m no longer able to judge if I am exaggerating the problem…

I posted a while back about an upcoming family reunion with the In-Laws in September and my hesitance to attend…As it was planned for just a couple days after my return from Guam I had a built in excuse to skip it…

It’s been moved to mid-November…(Not to accommodate ME God knows) This effectively removes my ability to gracefully decline, which leaves me with a few options, none of which I’m comfortable with.

Having no legit excuse to skip the whole event leaves me with a difficult decision to make. I cannot lie and make one up, I just can’t…

So I can go, and try to avoid any solo time with my Sisters-in-law. This means I’ll have to stick to my Hubs like glue, because no drama ever arises in his presence. OR…

I can go and confront them in an effort to resolve all of this, which I’m certain will only leave me feeling eviscerated and them completely unaffected. Even if I’m able to isolate them from each other and have one-on-one conversations, I’m unconvinced that any sincere exchange will happen. They are Masters of Southern charm bullshit, the Queens of “Oh Honey Bless your heart” which everyone knows translates into “F*ck You”…I’ve already waved the white flag, extended an olive branch, humbled myself by acknowledging my own faults. 

Option 3 is to not go, and tell them why should they ask, which I’m sure they will not as I’m equally sure my absence will go completely unnoticed. I don’t exist in their world as has been evidenced on my last 2 birthdays when I got no call, text or email from any of my Siblings-in-law. Ditto for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter or any other Family orientated holidays. Sometimes I get a response when I send greetings to them on said occasions…Sometimes not. Nothing says F*ck Off like being ignored. Messaged received, LOUD AND CLEAR.

My Hubs is going, there’s no question about that. I’ve no doubt he will make my excuses. He shouldn’t have to…

I wish, more than almost anything, that I could be more like them in their ability to be unfeeling and oblivious to the feelings of others. To lose no sleep over such things, to feel confident and in control of their emotions so that they’re able to justify what they say and do, to have no remorse and to acknowledge no fault.

I hate that I continue to give them so much power over my own feelings…I give them the power to make me feel small and unimportant. It hurts to know that while they’ve been planning this little event for months not once has any of them included me in the emails or texts circulated amongst family members concerning the details, even in the beginning stages before they all thought I would be in Guam. Not now that they’ve moved it to well beyond my return has anyone thought to ask for any input from me. It all goes through my Hubs, because I don’t matter…I. DON’T. MATTER. That is an excruciatingly painful thing to acknowledge when speaking of “Family”…When I reached out to try and mend this rift a year ago, I got this reply: I’m not sure what brings on this message now, but we are family. For me, that means that there is an unconditional acceptance that trumps any need for truces or forgiveness. I harbor no ill-will towards anyone in my family and never have. It has never been my intent to hurt anyone in my family. Nothing ever has, or ever will be, more important to me than my family. I think actions speak louder than words….

I have so much left to get done before my trip, I have no time to waste in the depths of depression…but here I sit; sad, tearful, limp and unable to move….

*sigh*

Advertisements

On the outside always looking in….

I truly despise cliques. Their only purpose seems to be to include some while excluding others. And excluding someone because they’re new, different, unwilling (or unable) to conform to someone else’s standards is loathsome.

If a clique exists within a family, it’s especially hurtful to those who aren’t deemed worthy of unconditional acceptance….

I’ve always covered my shyness, low self-esteem and lack of social confidence with humor, sarcasm and the appearance of being aloof. It’s a ruse, but it’s effective as most people never bother to get close enough to the real me to realize that. They never get past the surface and instead interpret the humor and sarcasm as being bitchy and the distancing of myself for snobbishness or disdain towards them. They couldn’t be more wrong….

What I want more than anything is to be liked, accepted and included. Truly and totally accepted for who I am, not who they want me to be. Only a scant handful of people do and fewer still even make a pretense at trying. Even amongst members of my own family…

I was recently told by one family member that they didn’t give a f*ck about what I think, or say, or do and the very next day told by another that I should not say things that would hurt the first ones feelings. (Really??? Did you tell her not to hurt mine??? No. Because it’s a clique thing) On both occasions I smiled, played dumb and tried to laugh it off as if doing so would make my heart forget what it heard, or make the hateful words any less real. Because that’s what I do when confronted, I try like hell to make a joke out of it. But it hurt. A lot. And pissed me off. A lot. The more I dwelled on it the more hurt and pissed I became. I vented a bit, and cried over it. A LOT.

Because writing is my therapy, I poured my guts out to my laptop. I wrote 2 separate drafts, one passive aggressive, the other just flat out in-your-face belligerent. (This one that you’re reading is the 3rd!) And while the nasty one made me smile a bit because I knew it would really get under the skin of the ones who hurt me, neither one really felt right. I worried, I stewed over the situation. I made poor Bambi read them both and the subsequent revisions. And I bent Jo’s ear for most of one evening, as I agonized over what, if anything, was the best course of action; to get my feelings out in the open once and for all to cleanse myself of the hurt and frustration, or swallow it down and repress all that nastiness in order to spare the feelings of innocent family members who could be hurt by the fall out?

I gotta say, repressing is my normal way of dealing with uncomfortable situations, resentments and hurt feelings. I stuff them way down inside, which explains my ongoing battle with depression and doesn’t do much for my low self-esteem issues either. And truthfully, verbally eviscerating these people wouldn’t open their eyes to how wrong thier actions were, as the blinders they wear are firmly and quite permanently affixed to their heads. They do nothing wrong. Just ask them…

I was thinking about it and listening to Adele driving home from work, “Turning Tables” was playing and though I’ve heard it many, many times, I never really listened to the words. So I did….and it made me think…

Then I saw this on Pinterest:

And it hit me: Being told by someone that they do not give a f*ck about you is actually liberating. It frees you from the exhausting effort of wasting any more of your life trying to be accepted by them, liked by them or valued by them. Because honestly, is anyone who makes you jump through hoops and try that hard for that long really worth it???

Between the lyrics and the words on the photograph it occurred to me that trying to retaliate or defend myself was just wasting more of my own precious energy and highly unlikely to bring about the hoped for changes anyway so why not just LET. IT. GO and stop giving them the power to make me feel like crap??

Let it go….y’all have no idea how foreign a concept that is to me, NO ONE holds onto a grudge with a more tenacious grip than I do. I will hold onto repressed rage and resentment for a lifetime, and to be perfectly honest that is precisely why this most recent event hurt my feelings so badly. It was just one more thing piled onto a bunch of other hurtful things that I’ve never gotten past. So Let it go???? Me????

Yes. Because I have to. I cannot carry all this junk around with me anymore. And the minute I realized that  I. FELT. BETTER. Instantly! I swear to God it was such a revelation. It was amazing….It was like giving myself permission to breathe deeply, one long deep cleansing breath after another.

And then I felt so dumb for holding onto all that ICK for all these years and making myself quite literally sick over it.

So that’s my new Motto: “No one can make me feel like crap without my permission.” I think it’s far preferable to (and let’s face it, healthier) having the Motto  “I don’t give a f*ck”, don’t you?

I pray that learning to let go of negative feelings is going to make 50 my happiest year yet. Can this old dog learn a complicated new trick??? She’s sure as hell gonna try…

🙂