It occurred to me I’ve been remiss in schoolin’ y’all on how to survive life. My bad….
Here’s the thing: I’ve been largely uninspired of late. My survival skills are showing some wear….so I did what I always do when in need of inspiration: I googled….Where I found tidbits like this: You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.
To which I say, blah, blah blahditty blah….I can find zero fun to poke at that statement.
I continued my quest…
And found this: “Reason is a whore, surviving by simulation, versatility and shamelessness” …. Better, but do I really want to write a whole post about being reasonable? Or a reasonable whore? Nah…..I’ll save that for another day.
I soldiered on….
“As we do at such times I turned on my automatic pilot and went through the motions of normalcy on the outside, so that I could concentrate all my powers on surviving the near-mortal wound inside.” … Whoa…..that shit’s deep. I’m not sure I’m up for the task of giving this statement the seriousness it deserves….
“The misery of the middle-aged woman is a gray and hopeless thing, born of having nothing to live for, of disappointment and resentment at having been gypped by consumer society, and surviving merely to be the butt of its unthinking scorn.” ….WTF??? Listen, I admit to being out of sorts but the “butt of unthinking scorn??” Anybody scorns me and they’re getting their butts kicked…..
I think I need to change my search criteria….
“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.” …..YES! Finally something that I can relate to…..why is it that we can never come out of the damn grocery store with only what we went in for?? My theory: subliminal messages to buy unneeded crap hidden in the elevator music. I suggest we all start wearing earmuffs to Safeway…..
“Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics”……Puts that whole “I can pee in this empty beer bottle while my DD drives about 90 MPH” thing into perspective now doesn’t it?? Cuz you never expect that fluffy little bunny to cross the road in front of you causing your DD to veer wildly off the road, the car becoming wedged between 2 trees and the empty beer bottle wedged….well…….you get the picture. Pull over, and pee in the ditch while clinging to the open car door like a normal person.
And the peace de resistance: “Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark”…lesson? Turn the damn lights on…..
I leave you with one last random thing that has nothing to do with anything:
There, I think my work here is done….YOU’RE WELCOME!