Lesson 8, Surviving….??

It occurred to me I’ve been remiss in schoolin’ y’all on how to survive life. My bad….

Here’s the thing: I’ve been largely uninspired of late. My survival skills are showing some wear….so I did what I always do when in need of inspiration: I googled….Where I found tidbits like this: You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. 

To which I say, blah, blah blahditty blah….I can find zero fun to poke at that statement.

I continued my quest…

And found this: “Reason is a whore, surviving by simulation, versatility and shamelessness” …. Better, but do I really want to write a whole post about being reasonable? Or a reasonable whore? Nah…..I’ll save that for another day.

I soldiered on….

“As we do at such times I turned on my automatic pilot and went through the motions of normalcy on the outside, so that I could concentrate all my powers on surviving the near-mortal wound inside.” … Whoa…..that shit’s deep. I’m not sure I’m up for the task of giving this statement the seriousness it deserves….

“The misery of the middle-aged woman is a gray and hopeless thing, born of having nothing to live for, of disappointment and resentment at having been gypped by consumer society, and surviving merely to be the butt of its unthinking scorn.”  ….WTF??? Listen, I admit to being out of sorts but the “butt of unthinking scorn??” Anybody scorns me and they’re getting their butts kicked…..

I think I need to change my search criteria….

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.” …..YES! Finally something that I can relate to…..why is it that we can never come out of the damn grocery store with only what we went in for?? My theory: subliminal messages to buy unneeded crap hidden in the elevator music.  I suggest we all start wearing earmuffs to Safeway…..

“Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics”……Puts that whole “I can pee in this empty beer bottle while my DD drives about 90 MPH” thing into perspective now doesn’t it?? Cuz you never expect that fluffy little bunny to cross the road in front of you causing your DD to veer wildly off the road, the car becoming wedged between 2 trees and the empty beer bottle wedged….well…….you get the picture. Pull over, and pee in the ditch while clinging to the open car door like a normal person.

And the peace de resistance: “Shin:  a device for finding furniture in the dark”…lesson? Turn the damn lights on…..

I leave you with one last random thing that has nothing to do with anything:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There, I think my work here is done….YOU’RE WELCOME!

🙂

Lesson 7, avoiding the New Year’s Day hangover…

No, I’m not crazy enough to suggest abstaining from all those New Year’s Eve toasts as that’s just silly….I’m a practical girl.

I’ve combed the Internet to comprise a list of the most sure-fire cures for a hangover, so you can just enjoy December 31st knowing that Grammy did the hard work for you…

I’m such an effin’ giver…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten best ways to have your cake and eat it too on New Year’s Eve.

1. Hydrate!!! Before going out to tie one on, drink a minimum of 64 oz of water or GatorAid. Just do it, don’t question it….

2. Low Blood Sugar will amplify a hangover. So eat before you go out for the Love of God! Protein and Carbs. Eat a nice dinner beforehand and might I suggest Biscuits and Gravy the morning after??? And some eggs?? And bacon??? Bacon makes everything better….

3. An oldie but a goodie: Hair of the dog. hot toddy will fix you right up! Just don’t have 17 of them or you’ll be right back where you started on the-day-after the-day-after you inbibed just a tad too much and then that’s just a vicious cycle…

4. Go work out. This one is completely untried by me so I cannot vouch for its effectiveness because HELLOOOOO??? Ew. But I read it several times on different sites so ya’ll go on and be the Guinea Pigs on this one and report back to me….

5. B Vitamins. Pop a B6 and B12 and wash it down with all that GatorAid you’re supposed to be drinking….

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Prickly Pear. This is again untried by yours truly as a hangover cure, BUT I had some pretty amazing Prickly Pear Honey in Sicily and I am totally on board with eating some more of it whether it cures my hangover or not. This isn’t the same brand I had in Sicily but I betcha it’s still yummy…

7. Tripe Soup. Not even kidding, I totally found this on Forbes. Folks down in Mexico swear by tripe soup made from the lining of a cow’s stomach and spiced with chile, garlic and other seasonings. More than likely, the sting of the spices provides a welcome distraction from the thought of what the hell you’re eating. Again, I have not nor will I EVER try this one…

8. Potassium. Eat a couple of bananas. My Hubs swears by this and as a former drunken Sailor, I take his word for it.

 9. Make some toast. Only seems right that all that toasting you do on New Year’s Eve should have a cure by the same name doesn’t it? And it gives you something to put the Prickly Pear Honey on!

10. Darkness. Drink your water, eat your toast, have a toddy to wash down your B vitamins and then put a damp cool cloth over your poor little eyes and just lay in your darkened room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AND WHAT EVER YOU DO, DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!

🙂

Lesson 6, Dealing with the Non-Believers…

I’ve heard rumors that there are those who don’t believe in Santa….I heard it from a totally reliable source. Bambi….Tell me how you can’t trust and believe everything you hear from a girl named Bambi? You can’t…

I’m astonished. Flabbergasted. Astounded. Bewildered.

What I’m not however, is rendered speechless…cuz ya’ll know that never happens!

How to prove to the dummies who don’t believe in Santa that they’re WRONG.

1. Hello??? The effing Post Office delivers letters to him yo.

2. The reason Santa can visit as many children as he pleases in as short a time as is convenient, (barring any mid-air reindeer pile-ups) is ‘cuz he’s a Macroscopic Quantum Object. Duh.

3. You want proof that elves make all the toys? Ever looked at the screws holding those toys together?? Only tiny little people could make screws that small and require us to buy teensy little screwdrivers.

4. The reason you never saw Santa when you waited up all night for him is because Santa’s relativity cloud brings him to our house in milliseconds; he moves so fast that it is impossible to see him. Similar to a way a bumble bee buzzes by.

5. The doubters say “No way a fat guy could fit down the chimney, especially one with a fire in it.”  Using this same relativity cloud, Santa probably also shrinks and expands the cloud, so he can enter houses through tiny openings. This means he can come down the chimney, through a keyhole, or a mail slot.

Santa’s scientific ya’ll…didn’t know that did ya?

6. Here’s a copy of his DL…everybody know’s how crazy difficult it is to get a Driver’s License these days.

 Santa Clause

So there you have it. You can’t argue with proof from the DMV!

Repeat after me “I believe, I believe, I EFFIN’ BELIEVE ALREADY”

Nicely done…

🙂

Lesson 5, dealing with the flat-out annoying…

My biggest pet peeve? Like ever??

People who chew LOUDLY.

That crap sets my nerves on edge causing me to gnash my teeth and my hands itch to smack the guilty party upside their head with what ever blunt object is handy.

Seriously, I hate it.  So of course I spend 8 hours of my work day a few mere feet from someone who could make eating pudding sound like running sheet metal through a wood chipper….

What’s their food of choice? Mother effin’ potato chips MADE FROM NUTS AND BOLTS APPARENTLY.

It’s like Sasquatch munching on a rock while walking over a carpet of dried leaves and twigs and revving the motor on his chainsaw…

Mmmmm...wanna share my snack?

 Does anyone make a muffler for the face? I think that would make an excellent Christmas gift…”Here ya go, Merry Christmas. Wear it when you eat for the love of God!”

So here is today’s lesson:

Dealing with the chronically annoying masses.

1. The Public Teeth Picker. Tooth Picker? Whatever, it’s a nasty thing to do at the table.  If at all possible, distract them with “Ooooh look, a bunny” and then hide the dang toothpick. Or throw them some dental floss and tell them to go floss in the bathroom like a normal human being.

2. Guys that spit on the ground/sidewalk etc. Especially the ones that really work at hocking up a lugey beforehand. I feel confident pointing the finger on this one at guys only, as no woman I know would spit in public. My solution is to just smack ’em upside the head cuz HELLO??? Rude. and Gross and if I step in that you are a dead man.

3. The One-Upper. You know the one. They’ve done everything more times than you, they’ve been there more times than you. They can frequently be heard humming “Anything you can do I can do better”…I recommend Duct Tape. It’s really the only way to shut them up.

4. The Procrastinator. Gentle reminders not working so well for ya? Little yellow post-it notes go ignored? Electric Cattle Prod. Puts a little zip in their step every time.

5. The Buttinski. Not the Grandparent variety. Those are cool. I mean the ones that jump in to the middle of any conversation they overhear. Cuz they know every damn thing. And have an opinion about everything. Have I mentioned the wonders of Duct Tape? Duct Tape fixes everything. OR just turn to them and give them one of these:

 What drives you completely nuts?? Let me know, I’ll add it to the list…

🙂

And then we called the ambulance and some of us went to jail…

As you know, (or should) I have enlisted help on blog post ideas…this one came from my awesome loyal reader and friend from back in our High School days, Libby!

The Holidays. You either love them or hate them. Let’s try to make avoiding the title of today’s post our goal for this year, shall we???

Libby asked for a little sumpin’, sumpin’ on how to deal with the HOLIDAY DRAMA.

I can help with that…’cuz I’m Grammy. **cue Super Hero music. I feel I should be wearing a cape…**

 How to survive the Holidays without bodily injury or incarceration to yourself or others.

1. If you need to mellow out before you can face the family gathering, have a Little Sumpin….have several Little Sumpin’s…

 2. Not a beer drinker? Maybe you should Chant. Oooooooommmmmmmmmm. OOOoooOOOOOhhhmmmmmmmmm. Aaauuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm. If someone interrupts you while doing this, stab them with a fork and resume chanting. It’s supposed to alleviate stress ya’ll….

3. If you’re a member of a pushy, domineering family and dread Christmas gatherings because you just can’t face having your head dunked in the toilet again, take a self defense class. OR, carry a stun gun and zap their asses. Whichever…also, as a courtesy to Grandma it would be nice if you’d ask your attacker to stand in the bathtub before zapping them. I understand people tend to pee their pants when hit with a big jolt of electrical current and this would make cleanup much easier….plus, you can just pull the shower curtain shut and pretend you have no idea where they are….

4. Do your rotten Grown-ass Children fight incessantly? Fake a heart attack. This will distract them from their own petty issues. *warning* If you’re rich, this method may start a whole new arguement concerning the contents of your Will….in which case just start dialing your attorney’s number and let them overhear you instructing him to rewrite the Will leaving everything to your cat. (if you have small children, then for crying out loud, be the Boss and make ’em behave!)

5. Slip a tranquilizer into the food. And then just wait for the ensuing calm, this should take about 20 minutes. When they regain consciencness, thank your loving family for the most enjoyable Holiday celebration EVER!

Look at the peaceful little cherubs....

 6. Tell them politely to leave their pets at home. 27 humans in a 800 square foot apartment is already a recipe for disaster, adding Aunt Edna’s yappity poodle to the mix is just asking for a trip to jail for animal cruelty when Cousin Dwayne drop kicks the little sucker….you can blame it on allergies.

7. Be a good sport about Ugly Christmas sweater #42. Grandma means well….You can burn it in effigy after she’s gone home. Whining about it will only cause other family members to plot revenge against you for making their ears bleed….It’s only for a few hours, suck it up.

I admit this is horrendous, but it means alot to Grandma...

8. Listen to your ipod. Tell them you’re listening to “Learn to speak Portugese” audio lessons in preparation for an upcoming work trip.

9. Remind yourself as often as necessary that New Years Eve is right around the corner and you’ll have a legitimate opportunity for drowning  the memory of this family get together in gallons of Scotch. And blow whistles…and kiss random strangers.

10. If all else fails, take a nap. One of the most legit ways to minimize the amount of time you must humor your family members during the holidays is to sleep a lot, or fake sleeping a lot.

Let me know how it goes for ya!

🙂