How to keep your face from cramping while endlessingly holding a fake smile….

Alternate title II: “Surviving In-Laws”…

Alternate title III: “THE FAMILY, grin and bear them”…

Alternate title IV: “Ohhhhh F*ck. The family?? Again???”

It’s Christmastime….lotsa peeps have family members whom they’d prefer to never have to see AGAIN, ever. And they’re all forced to see them at Christmas….

As a public service, I’d like to offer up some helpful tips for enduring those we’d prefer to avoid…I googled it…

  • This tidbit was found in an article on how to appear more photogenic which I figured would be helpful since everyone tries not to have a big cheesy fake smile in pictures right?? Here’s what it said: “Look at your face in the mirror. That’s not actually the face which shows in your photograph. Now stare at your own reflection. After some time your face will reach its “normal” appearance, your “equilibrium” face. Now deactivate your eye region and activate your lip region.”….Wait. Wha??? If you understood and can actually do any of that, you are far smarter than me and clearly don’t need my advice….
  • According to “Bodybuilding 101” you should practice and build up your face muscles just like any others. They say “What happens if you don’t practice? If you do not practice your lips and eyes quiver and twitch. That’s right, they will twitch uncontrollably, and you will feel like everyone notices it. Practice will help reduce twitching.When you have held your smile for as long as possible on stage, release it to give your face a break. Then start smiling again.” So there you have it. Shoulda started doing smile workouts back around Halloween. Too late now, you’re just gonna have spasmodic twitches….
  • There’s a friggin DIET for smiling endlessly…A DIET….you can read it about it here. It’s a 21 day plan which I refuse to write about because D.I.E.T. is a 4 letter word y’all….but feel free.
  • This is an oldie but a goodie: smear vaseline on your teeth, its supposed to keep your lips from becoming dry and sticking to your teeth. I’ve personally never tried this as I just wet my whistle with a beer if my lips become parched but beauty queens swear by it….
  • According to some psych professors in Kansas, smiling aids in stress recovery. But since you’re smiling at the very people who cause your stress in the first place, I’m declaring this theory moot and ridden with bullshit.
  • Here’s my best advice, seriously: DRINK. Alcohol is the great equalizer, it either makes you super happy and all “I looooove you” or it makes you feel like you can take on ANYBODY. Either way, the Ugh-I-hate-spending-time-with-my-family-for-Christmas problem is solved because thanks to the liquor you’ll either temporarily love them or knock them unconscious, or end up in jail (away from them)…

You’re welcome….

Peanut appears a bit tipsy here, but she's actually trying to straighten her hat that Poppa pulled down over her eyes....

Peanut appears a bit tipsy here, but she’s actually just trying to straighten her hat that Poppa pulled down over her eyes. Cuz he’s a butt like that…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas Eve!!

🙂

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Sometimes all you can do is all you can do…

How long can you hold out an olive branch?

I can hear it now….”Don’t do anything to be sorry for in the first place”….which is well and good but sometimes words or actions are misconstrued. Or sometimes in defending yourself you counter attack which only exacerbates the problem. Not making excuses, just stating the obvious; you can’t always avoid hurting someone’s feelings. I’ve hurt people, and I’ve also been hurt. I’d like to think I’d be a big enough person to accept the olive branch when extended….

This is still part of the “letting go” process for me. I don’t like the idea of anyone I care about being mad at me, and even if I choose to not actively include them in my life, if they’re family, I still care and I’ll still attempt to make amends….

Having said all this, I’m not a fan of “piggy-back” anger (you’re mad at me not because I did something to you personally but instead because other people who’s acceptance you need are mad at me). But still, when it’s family I’ll suck it up and hold out the branch.

I wrote about how I felt, that was my reaction to the actions of others. I wrote honestly and from the heart. I struggled with myself over the decision to do so, I wavered for days and in the end I did it with the hope that maybe, just maybe, it would strike a cord in the hearts of those who’d hurt me and they’d say to themselves “Whoa, I had no idea I’d hurt her feelings. My bad.”  That’s not how the story unfolded….

I’ve been shunned apparently.

My motivation NOW is quite simply PEACE.  In my journey to live a happier, more positive life, reaching out to those I’ve hurt and been hurt by was something I felt compelled to do. I can’t make someone listen, or accept an apology if their hearts and minds are closed. In the end they’ll either accept it or not and that choice is out of my hands. But still, I’m saddened when the concept to forgive and forget and to start over with a fresh perspective of each other doesn’t come to fruition….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve done all I can think of to do. My conscience is clear and that gives me comfort. I’m sad to think the rest of the family may be negatively affected but if we’re ever in the same room again I know that we can smile and act civil and pretend it’s all OK for one day.

🙂

57 Things I LOVE about Mondays…

I meant to post this earlier today, but I slept in….

My most popular post ever is 57 things I hate about Mondays. I wrote it in about 15 minutes early one Monday morning when I was particularly unhappy about having to go be productive, on a day when I could have joyfully slept in for at least another 2 hours…

But here’s the thing:

Monday’s don’t bother me anymore, they’re just another day. Which is weird in a way because while I don’t go to bed on Sunday nights dreading with all of my heart the dawning of the coming day, I also no longer have that wonderful feeling of elation that hits every working person on the planet about 5 o’clock on Friday! Sometimes I don’t even realize it’s Friday….

It’s crazy but I kinda miss the Friday afternoon feeling of freedom….

I do not, however miss Mondays, so here’s my new, improved Monday list:

57 Reasons Why I No Longer Give a Crap About Mondays

  1. I don’t have to get up.
  2. I don’t have to get dressed.
  3. I don’t have to retrain my weekend brain to NOT clock the annoying ex-coworker in the noggin with my stapler when she’s being a raging Bitch first effin’ thing when I walk in the door.
  4. I don’t have to walk in the door.
  5. I don’t have to hunt for a parking space.
  6. I don’t have to politely inquire how everyone’s weekend was, pretending to listen when all my brain is hearing is “wha wha whawahwah, I really need more coffee. Did I put a bra on today? Yes? OK, good. I don’t want to be here. Wonder what Peanut’s doing? Is is bad to wish I could have popcorn for breakfast? Did I get anything out of the freezer for dinner? It’s cloudy, did I leave my car window cracked? Crack…. Crack. I don’t get crack, it makes people eat other peoples faces off. *yawn* What time is it? 7:58. Crap.”
  7. I don’t have to be productive. I sometimes purposely plan to do absolutely NOTHING on Monday’s just to be defiant….
  8. Mondays feel like Sundays. Or Saturdays. Or Thursdays.
  9. I don’t have to do all the crap I left undone on Friday cuz I was just too lazy to do it.
  10. I don’t have 35 emails to catch up on.
  11. I don’t have to answer the phone and be nice to the grumpy ass people who’s Monday is off to a really bad start.
  12. I don’t have to look at my watch 3,564,565 times during the day and get depressed when only 3 minutes have passed since the last time I looked at it.
  13. I don’t have to wear a watch.
  14. Traffic: I’m not in it.
  15. I don’t have to avoid poking any Bears. My house is Bear Free!
  16. I don’t have to dread Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday.
  17. I don’t have to do my hair. Even though it’s short and only takes 5 minutes, I don’t have to do it. If I want, all I have to do is avoid looking in the mirror and acknowledging the fact that it closely resembles Chuckie’s hair.

    Chuckie from “The Rugrats”, not that creepy ass killer doll…

  18. I don’t have to figure out what the f*ck I’m going to have for lunch because I left mine sitting on the kitchen counter.
  19. I don’t have to try and find a place to park that’s within a mile of the office AGAIN because I had to give up my primo parking spot to go get lunch.
  20. I don’t have to scrape snow off my windshield in the winter.
  21. I don’t have to scorch my tushy on my 1000 degree leather seats when I get in the car in the summer.
  22. I don’t have to walk a mile in the rain without an umbrella to my car (because I left it in the car) at 5 o’clock.
  23. I don’t have to go out in the rain. PERIOD.
  24. I don’t have to wonder if that homeless guy over there is stalking me while I make the mile long trek to my car.
  25. I don’t have to wonder if the 3 year old can of pepper spray on my key chain is still any good in case that homeless guy is stalking me.
  26. I don’t have to worry about shooting myself in the face with pepper spray because my aim is atrocious when in imminent danger of a stalker attack…

In the original post I could only come up with 24 reasons to hate Monday so apparently I love it more than I hated it!  And now, I have a date with my coffee cup and a “Real Housewives of Timbuktu” marathon on Bravo! Don’t hate me….

I’m kidding…I actually plan to attack those weeds still in my front flower bed this morning before the temp reaches 100 degrees outside. UPDATE: This didn’t happen because of the sleeping in thing….

(I wasn’t kidding about the Real Housewives part, it’s horrible, mindless TV that is like watching a train wreck. I can’t help myself, it’s like crack….except without the wanting to eat anyone’s face off part….)

Enjoy your Monday!

🙂

Important things….

I ran across this on a “Mommy blog”,  a list of things we should repeat to our children (grandchildren) often. As I read it, I kept thinking “it would be nice to hear that once in a while myself” so I decided to share it with y’all as another lesson in life…

Because grownups could use some encouragement and understanding sometimes too….

1. I love you! There is nothing that will make me stop loving you, nothing you could do or say or think will ever change that. Avery’s going to get sick of hearing this one, I say it to her about 100 times a day when she’s with me!

2. You are amazing! Not just at what you can do, but who you are. There is no one like you. No one! How nice would it be to hear this from another adult?

3. It’s all right to cry. People cry for all kinds of reasons: when they are hurt, sad, glad, or worried; when they are angry, afraid, or lonely. Big people cry too. I do. I’ve never understood people teaching little kids (especially little boys) that crying is something to be ashamed of…

4. You’ve made a mistake. That was wrong. People make mistakes. I do. Is it something we can fix? What can we do? It’s all over. You can start fresh. I know you are sorry. I forgive you. I hope I will always be able to offer Avery this kind of understanding.

5. You did the right thing. That was probably scary or hard. Even though it wasn’t easy, you did it. I am proud of you; you should be too. Wouldn’t it be nice to have the positive choices we make acknowledged? Especially when it was not an easy thing to do….

6. I’m sorry. Forgive me. I made a mistake. This is hard for me, I don’t easily admit when I am wrong. I’m working on that…

7. You can change your mind. Making a decision is a good thing,  but it is also fine to change it. Your choice should feel right in your heart. Not encouraging wishy washy behavior, but sometimes you have to follow your heart instead of your head.

8. What a great idea! You were really thinking! How did you come up with that? Tell me more. I want to always encourage Avery to use her imagination, and to be creative. I see so many kids that just rely on electronics and haven’t a clue how to just “play”…

9. That was kind. You did something helpful and thoughtful for that person. That must make you feel good inside. Thank you! Giving credit where it’s due always makes the other person feel good.

10. I have a surprise for you. It’s not your birthday. It’s for no reason at all. Just a surprise, a little one, but a surprise. Don’t we all love little surprises?? A Hersey’s kiss, a cute card, a post-it with a smiley face…doesn’t have to cost a lot to put a smile on someone’s face. And sometimes it can change a day from bad to good….

11. I can wait. We have time. You don’t have to hurry. I hate to feel rushed…

12. What would you like to do? It’s your turn to pick. You have great ideas. It’s important to follow your interests, and sometimes you don’t know what the other person’s are unless you give them the opportunity to show you…

13. Tell me about it. I’d like to hear more. And then what happened? I made Avery this promise before she was born: I will always listen to what you have to say no matter how busy I am, I will make the time.

14. I’m right here. I won’t leave without saying good-bye. I am watching you and listening to you. I pray Avery never, ever feels abandoned or alone…

15. Please and Thank You. These are important words. If I forget to use them, will you remind me? Good God YES! So few kids are actually taught to be courteous…

16. I missed you. I think about you when we are not together! Sometimes we take the people we love the most for granted, but hearing this when you get home from a long day would feel so good, wouldn’t it?

17. Just try. A little bit. One taste, one step. You might like it. Let’s see. I’ll help you if you need it. I think you can do it. Encourage, encourage, encourage. As adults, I think we forget to try and learn new things, to develop new interests, to broaden our minds…

18. I’ll help you. I heard you call me, here I am.  If we both work together, we can get this done. I know you can do it by yourself, but I’m glad to help since you asked. We all need a hand once in a while, but how often do we get an offer to help? How often to we offer to help another?

19. What do you wish for? Even if it’s not yet time for birthday candles and we don’t have a wishbone, it’s still fun to hear about what you wish for, hope for, and dream about. Hubs and I do this all the time, just talk about our dreams, our wishes. Little dreams, BIG dreams…the important thing is that we HAVE THEM.

We all probably remember to praise and encourage our children, to spend time with them just listening to stories about their day. But don’t we forget to do these same things with the grownups that we love? How much happier would life be if you were reminded of just one of the things on this list every day?

Here’s your reminder for today: I think you are amazing and wonderful and da bomb.com!

I really, really do…

🙂

Lesson 9: Hi. I’m a moron. Teach me sumpin’…

Lets see…..

Hypothetically….

A few of us get together and decide to burgle a home….

And we of course (duh, we’re morons) get busted…

We can’t be bothered to come up with any plausible story ahead of time much less one that we can all agree on…

So we all tell a different one to the police….

Suspect One: Uhhhhhh….see, me and my girlfriend are looking for a new neighborhood to live in. Ya know, one with a low crime rate? ‘Cuz it’s better for the kids right?? So I was just checking things out, I dunno what these other 2 fools is doing here….

Suspect Two: So, it’s like dis. I wuz tryin’ to buy some weed ya know? And my regular dealer, he’s in jail, man. So I haz to find a new guy, see? And dis homey, he done took my money and runned the f*ck off wiffout givin’ me my smoke so’s I haz to chase his ass and he runned in dis house here and so’s I runned in here too….

Suspect Three: Officer, I was merely walking by and just happened to look in the window and spied a giant snake loose in the house so I, being a good Samaritan, came in to capture the snake to protect the family who lives here. Yes, the ones that aren’t home right now. Because no one wants to come home to a giant snake slitherly amok in the house….

True. Effin. Story. I cannot make this shit up, I’m not that clever….

Here’s the lesson boys and girls:

How to  Appear Slightly Less Moronic When Arrested for Burglary

Think up a lie. Any lie. Just make sure everyone involved knows said lie. Any lie is more believable when told by multiple people….for example:

  1. Aliens abducted you and dropped you into this strangers house. Google pictures of Aliens and space crafts so that you can give detailed descriptions. Don’t go into the whole anal probing thing as it usually just gives people the skeevies to hear about it. Do include the fact that had you all not forgotten to wear your tin foil hats none of this would have happened. Twitch. A lot….

It's best to keep your Alien description simple so it's easier to remember. Even for morons...

2.  You and all of your companions were suddenly and inexplicably overcome with uncontrollable diarrhea…Naturally, you were all just looking for a house that appeared clean and containing multiple bathrooms. No one was home so you were just about to leave a $20 to cover the cost of toilet paper used and an apology note when the nice Officers appeared.

(This actually happened to me and Red once. Not the diarrhea part, or the got arrested part,  but on this particular occasion she decided mid-trip that she had to pee really, reallly bad and just COULD NOT WAIT until we got to our destination. There might have been large quantities of alcohol involved, but I admit nothing. She made me pull into one of those icky “Rent by the week” motels because she saw a really nice gentleman sitting there with his door open at 10 pm….she flounced out of the car, introduced herself to the guy, they instantly became BFFs and she used his bathroom….That Ted Bundy, he was a helluva nice guy really…..)

3.  Demand to see Ashton Kutcher. Insist you’re being punked and boy is he going to be in big trouble when you find him….BE INDIGNANT.

4.  Amnesia. Who are you?? Where am I?? You think I did what?? I don’t remember….Who are you again? Who the hell am I?? This will most likely not work as a group excuse, but better left to when you commit robbery on your own. In which case it has nothing to do with the purpose of this post, as THIS post is about lying effectively as a GROUP. Never mind, forget I brought it up…..

5. Dementia. This one will work in a group situation. I suggest wearing your PJ’s, a dog food bowl on your head, (JO) and carry an old faded plastic plant in a stew pot, (ME) filling the pot with actual stew would be a nice touch although it will make it slightly heavy to lug to the scene of the crime. Also messy, but it’s an optional detail. One of you could carry a large spoon (BUBBE?) and salt shaker . Another of you could go sans PJ’s if they’re truly comfortable with having all of their wobbly bits out there for all to see. (PAM?? No? Ok) if you want to go for the allusion of truly wacko, carry a Snoopy doll and a GI Joe. Then, see #4 for the where’s, who’s, what’s….

Jo, Bubbe, Pam and Me. I am clearly the most convincing liar as I am on the outside of the cell....

None of this post should replace obtaining actual legal advice or representation when any group of dumbasses get’s caught in the act of stealing anything. I just heard about the original group of morons on the radio while driving to work and thought to myself “Self, those moron’s could have used your superior wit and intellect to come up with a consistent lie”. So ya know, I felt compelled to help….

Please resume whatever f*ckery you were doing before you stopped to read this, but absorb the knowledge imparted here for future reference….

🙂