Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water…

I’m no where near the beach, but the barracuda’s got to me anyway…

I started out thoroughly pissed off, but quickly deteriorated into a depressed state consisting of a steady stream of tears fueled by hurt, resentment and bewilderment…

Why?

Because if one is circulating a family newsletter-type update about one’s life, INCLUDE ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FAMILY. Period. If you don’t happen to have contact info for family members of 14+ years, for God’s sake ASK. Stating in your email that you’ve included everyone BUT a very specific branch of your family does not in any way absolve you from your blatant disregard for their feelings. What it does in fact, is clarify to everyone who received your email that you don’t consider this branch as family at all.

Fine. Have it your way. WE’RE NOT YOUR FAMILY. Do us a favor and don’t ever again refer to us as such.ย  Please do not attempt to pour on any phoney charm when we’re around you, it’s transparent and quite frankly it’s embarrassing. Just don’t.

We will certainly be civil and polite when we see you, because we are good people and it’s not in our nature to be mean girls….

I. AM. DONE.

This post will probably embarrass, annoy, irritate you. Guess what? I don’t give a fuck, y’all taught me that…At least I’m honest.

New beginnings…

So many new beginnings in my family lately….

One Daughter and Son-in-Law went, in the blink of an eye, from being a Couple to being a Family. And I was blessed enough to be there when it happened, as well as help them transition into brand-spanking-new-no-clue-what-they-are-doing-but-they’ve-read-a-book PARENTS. It’s had its ups and downs. My work here is done, they’ll figure it out as they go and they will be just fine. Neither of them know how to fail…

My other Daughter who has been a single Mom from the day Peanut was born, has tried desperately to mold someone completely unalterable into some semblance of a Father, and has finally given up on that endeavor and called her relationship D.O.A. She’s moving into a new place, and focusing on just being a MOM. I’m thrilled! Completely and totally thrilled for this chapter of her life to begin…

2nd chance

One of my Besties has spent the better part of 2 years reshaping herself and in the process of reducing her body weight by half, has discovered that she’s not altogether sure ofย who she is anymore.ย Turns out she was hiding a lot of stuff behind that extra weight. Now she’ll spend some time reshaping her soul….I love her so much, she’s my touchstone…

My other Bestie is moving from the home her children have been raised in, the only home she’s known for the entirety of her married life. She’s nervous and more than a little scared to be leaving her comfort zone in town for the unknown of country life. For her, this new beginning is bittersweet. She is smart and sweet, giving to a fault and unconditionally nurturing. She’s also relentlessly stubborn in the face of change but I’m confident she will come to revel in her country life!

As the lives of those I love change, so will mine….

I look forward to it!

And if I ever, EVER, EVERRRRR plan to be away from home for 2 months again just shoot me. I’m serious!

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Oh, so THAT’S what’s gonna kill me…

Did you know there’s a “Sitting Disease”?

Yup, Sitting Disease…

So….All this sitting is gonna bite me in the ass. (Pun totally intended!)

Hmmm. And one site (I read several!) suggested that getting up off said ass to exercise (shudder) isn’t necessarily going to save me…Well alrighty then. Way to motivate me….NOT.

Yes, I know, I know…a sedentary lifestyle is bad and will lead to all sorts of ailments and maladies…Metabolic Syndrome as my Doctor has related it to me; I much prefer that term to Sitting Disease for crying out loud. And then to tell me that after having had this disease for an extended period of time that adding 30 minutes of daily exercise to my day ain’t gonna help?? That just causes me to go “Fine. Might as well think about that while Iย sit here and eat this bag of pork rinds”….

One website I read has huge glaring headers (in purple I might add) “94% MORE LIKELY TO DIE!!!” for women who sit 6 or more hours per day as opposed to those who sit 3 hours or less. These numbers included commute time and work time….So basically, if you have, say, a 30 minute commute to work each way, and work an normal 8 hour day at a desk job….YOU’RE SCREWED AND GOING TO DIE PRONTO.

sitting disease 2

Yikes, right??

Men fared better, the same scenario for them only yielded a 48% increase in their likelihood to die from Sitting Disease. But still…..

I may have to start watching “Real Housewives” standing up….

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Sometimes the Zoloft isn’t enough…

I wrote a whole series of “Letting Go” posts last year after our last family gathering. I returned from that trip hurt and resentful. I wanted to rid myself of those feelings, to teach my self to overcome them by being stronger and developing a thicker skin. I’ve failed…miserably.

I am really struggling today…I still hurt. I still waste my time and energy feeling sad, frustrated and insignificant. I still lay awake, unable to stop my brain from reliving those feelings. My resolve to take away the power of others to hurt me has become non-existent. I have no idea how to fix me. I feel alone. I’m no longer able to judge if I am exaggerating the problem…

I posted a while back about an upcoming family reunion with the In-Laws in September and my hesitance to attend…As it was planned for just a couple days after my return from Guam I had a built in excuse to skip it…

It’s been moved to mid-November…(Not to accommodate ME God knows) This effectively removes my ability to gracefully decline, which leaves me with a few options, none of which I’m comfortable with.

Having no legit excuse to skip the whole event leaves me with a difficult decision to make. I cannot lie and make one up, I just can’t…

So I can go, and try to avoid any solo time with my Sisters-in-law. This means I’ll have to stick to my Hubs like glue, because no drama ever arises in his presence. OR…

I can go and confront them in an effort to resolve all of this, which I’m certain will only leave me feeling eviscerated and them completely unaffected. Even if I’m able to isolate them from each other and have one-on-one conversations, I’m unconvinced that any sincere exchange will happen. They are Masters of Southern charm bullshit, the Queens of “Oh Honey Bless your heart” which everyone knows translates into “F*ck You”…I’ve already waved the white flag, extended an olive branch, humbled myself by acknowledging my own faults.ย 

Option 3 is to not go, and tell them why should they ask, which I’m sure they will not as I’m equally sure my absence will go completely unnoticed. I don’t exist in their world as has been evidenced on my last 2 birthdays when I got no call, text or email from any of my Siblings-in-law. Ditto for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter or any other Family orientated holidays. Sometimes I get a response when I send greetings to them on said occasions…Sometimes not. Nothing says F*ck Off like being ignored. Messaged received, LOUD AND CLEAR.

My Hubs is going, there’s no question about that. I’ve no doubt he will make my excuses. He shouldn’t have to…

I wish, more than almost anything, that I could be more like them in their ability to be unfeeling and oblivious to the feelings of others. To lose no sleep over such things, to feel confident and in control of their emotions so that they’re able to justify what they say and do, to have no remorse and to acknowledge no fault.

I hate that I continue to give them so much power over my own feelings…I give them the power to make me feel small and unimportant. It hurts to know that while they’ve been planning this little event for months not once has any of them included me in the emails or texts circulated amongst family members concerning the details, even in the beginning stages before they all thought I would be in Guam. Not now that they’ve moved it to well beyond my return has anyone thought to ask for any input from me. It all goes through my Hubs, because I don’t matter…I. DON’T. MATTER. That is an excruciatingly painful thing to acknowledge when speaking of “Family”…When I reached out to try and mend this rift a year ago, I got this reply: I’m not sure what brings on this message now, but we are family. For me, that means that there is an unconditional acceptance that trumps any need for truces or forgiveness. I harbor no ill-will towards anyone in my family and never have. It has never been my intent to hurt anyone in my family. Nothing ever has, or ever will be, more important to me than my family. I think actions speak louder than words….

I have so much left to get done before my trip, I have no time to waste in the depths of depression…but here I sit; sad, tearful, limp and unable to move….

*sigh*

Peace…

It seems there’s quite a few of us who are struggling with issues that rob us of our inner peace and sense of security…

I have a family member who is in pain, I don’t know the source of her pain but my heart hurts for her. We’re not especially close, mostly because of geography and in part because I am a hermit and terrible correspondent. Still, when I read her posts on FB which are clearly a cry for help I feel terrible for her….

I have a couple of friends who sometimes struggle with understanding the decisions and actions of their spouses. We’ve all been there. Nothing will undermine the security of your world more than feeling disappointed in or shut out by the person who shares your life, your home, your finances…

It’s difficult for some to reach out for help, to seek out guidance when faced with life’s roadblocks, sometimes because they just don’t know where to find the help they so desperately need…

I’m not a religious person, and not convinced of the benefits of organized religion but I do have family and friends who do and the comfort they seem to derive from attending their respective church’s makes a strong case. They believe, truly believe in the power of prayer. I envy them their unwavering faith. I confess that the only time I turn to prayer is in times of desperation…

I’m praying today…

I’m not always clear to Whom I pray but I send my hopes and wishes out with all the faith and yearning that I can, for myself, my family member who suffers, my friends who are sometimes disillusioned…I pray for the peace of mind and comforted souls we all desperately seek…

Join me..??

peace-of-mind

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