Sometimes the Zoloft isn’t enough…

I wrote a whole series of “Letting Go” posts last year after our last family gathering. I returned from that trip hurt and resentful. I wanted to rid myself of those feelings, to teach my self to overcome them by being stronger and developing a thicker skin. I’ve failed…miserably.

I am really struggling today…I still hurt. I still waste my time and energy feeling sad, frustrated and insignificant. I still lay awake, unable to stop my brain from reliving those feelings. My resolve to take away the power of others to hurt me has become non-existent. I have no idea how to fix me. I feel alone. I’m no longer able to judge if I am exaggerating the problem…

I posted a while back about an upcoming family reunion with the In-Laws in September and my hesitance to attend…As it was planned for just a couple days after my return from Guam I had a built in excuse to skip it…

It’s been moved to mid-November…(Not to accommodate ME God knows) This effectively removes my ability to gracefully decline, which leaves me with a few options, none of which I’m comfortable with.

Having no legit excuse to skip the whole event leaves me with a difficult decision to make. I cannot lie and make one up, I just can’t…

So I can go, and try to avoid any solo time with my Sisters-in-law. This means I’ll have to stick to my Hubs like glue, because no drama ever arises in his presence. OR…

I can go and confront them in an effort to resolve all of this, which I’m certain will only leave me feeling eviscerated and them completely unaffected. Even if I’m able to isolate them from each other and have one-on-one conversations, I’m unconvinced that any sincere exchange will happen. They are Masters of Southern charm bullshit, the Queens of “Oh Honey Bless your heart” which everyone knows translates into “F*ck You”…I’ve already waved the white flag, extended an olive branch, humbled myself by acknowledging my own faults. 

Option 3 is to not go, and tell them why should they ask, which I’m sure they will not as I’m equally sure my absence will go completely unnoticed. I don’t exist in their world as has been evidenced on my last 2 birthdays when I got no call, text or email from any of my Siblings-in-law. Ditto for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter or any other Family orientated holidays. Sometimes I get a response when I send greetings to them on said occasions…Sometimes not. Nothing says F*ck Off like being ignored. Messaged received, LOUD AND CLEAR.

My Hubs is going, there’s no question about that. I’ve no doubt he will make my excuses. He shouldn’t have to…

I wish, more than almost anything, that I could be more like them in their ability to be unfeeling and oblivious to the feelings of others. To lose no sleep over such things, to feel confident and in control of their emotions so that they’re able to justify what they say and do, to have no remorse and to acknowledge no fault.

I hate that I continue to give them so much power over my own feelings…I give them the power to make me feel small and unimportant. It hurts to know that while they’ve been planning this little event for months not once has any of them included me in the emails or texts circulated amongst family members concerning the details, even in the beginning stages before they all thought I would be in Guam. Not now that they’ve moved it to well beyond my return has anyone thought to ask for any input from me. It all goes through my Hubs, because I don’t matter…I. DON’T. MATTER. That is an excruciatingly painful thing to acknowledge when speaking of “Family”…When I reached out to try and mend this rift a year ago, I got this reply: I’m not sure what brings on this message now, but we are family. For me, that means that there is an unconditional acceptance that trumps any need for truces or forgiveness. I harbor no ill-will towards anyone in my family and never have. It has never been my intent to hurt anyone in my family. Nothing ever has, or ever will be, more important to me than my family. I think actions speak louder than words….

I have so much left to get done before my trip, I have no time to waste in the depths of depression…but here I sit; sad, tearful, limp and unable to move….

*sigh*

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes the Zoloft isn’t enough…

  1. Oh Grammy, I wish I was there so I could hug you lots! You are so wonderful I don’t know why they can’t see it. The response you got is so much BS that I can smell it all the way over here!

    Of the choices you listed I recommend Option 3 – don’t willingly put yourself in their sights. If Luke has to go anyway then you plan something fun to do with Peanut and her mom. Maybe do a girl’s weekend sleepover, or a marathon movie viewing. It doesn’t sound like you have anything positive to gain by putting yourself out there again.

    I wish I had a magic spell or something to make you feel better my friend, or at the very least, that I was there so I could hug you lots and lots. Please know how very much I love you!

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