As promised…

Pictures!!

The Kiddos took me to Asan Beach, it’s a lovely albeit completely damaged location…

This is why it's damaged...

This is why it’s damaged…

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THERE'S A BABY IN THERE!!

THERE’S A BABY IN THERE!! And his Mommy is wet cuz she fell in the water, for which his Daddy spoke to me sternly as it happened on my watch…

Sobering...

Sobering…

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HI!

HI!

And now, a few of the locals…

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Where’s Waldo??

I seriously thought this was a fake rubber starfish...It's not!

I seriously thought this was a fake rubber starfish…It’s not!

And finally…an Awwwww moment…

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Got to hear my Grandson’s heartbeat today, it was so sweet..Spent the rest of the day with my Girl shopping and being silly and it was glorious!

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Get your paws off my cake…

Greetings from Guam, the land of ALL THE HUMIDITY…

I’m settling into my home away from home. I wake up too dang early and I feel like an Old Geyser when I go to bed before anyone else but oh well!

Other than the humidity, I’ve learned a few things about Guam; the “Shiatsu Massage” business’s who’s signs are all lit up with Christmas Lights are full of Da Hookah’s and not the place for me to get a nice relaxing massage. There are A LOT of said business’s around here!

The 2nd thing is that chickens run wild and amok in these parts…

Lastly, the wire baskets hanging in the trees are snake traps….

OY.

Guess what I got to witness with my very own eyeballs?? A real life Top Gun-esque volley ball game on the beach, complete with cute shirtless little sailor boys! Yay me!

Guess what else I got??

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That my friends is a “Peppermint Patty” Cake homemade for me by Chef Vivi! It was ridiculously scrumptious and I very begrudgingly shared it with the folks who attended the party last night…VERY. BEGRUDGINGLY. Like, they’re lucky they didn’t get their hands slapped for reaching for a piece…Like, when this uber sweet girl asked if she could take some home I’m pretty sure I growled at her…

Cake was friggin’ good y’all….

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And here I go…

So here I sit, Β all TSA secured, waiting at the gate to board the first of my 3 flights….

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This one is short, just a little commuter hop to Denver. The real fun begins after that; 7 hours, 20 minutes to Honolulu where I’ll go through Customs then 7 hours 40 minutes to Guam where my officially full term (as of today, although she’s had a “talk” with the Grandson letting him know he needs to give us one more week for sightseeing before he makes his arrival!) Daughter impatiently awaits me!

The travel time sounds so much worse if I look at a clock; depart Rapid City at 6:00 AM today & arrive in Guam at 6:00 PM tomorrow…..

Yikes!

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Normal is the new black…

We now return to our normal (happy) broadcast…

I’m trying to cram in as much quality time with the Fam as possible before I depart for South Pacific shores…

I shared s’ghetti covered baby pics from Slumber party night, here’s the continuation of fun the following day!

Behold “Flintstones Bedrock City” in Custer South Dakota….

Once upon a time there was a sweet Baby Girl named Avery who had never heard of the “Flintstones”….

So her Gram and Poppa introduced her!

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Now, putting in an Old West photo op might not have been authentic to the Parks Fred/Barney prehistoric theme, but we enjoyed sticking the Baby in the stand-ups anyway!

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She strides purposefully to where she wants to go….

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Twins!

Twins!

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Taking Barney to jail was fun!

Taking Barney to jail was fun!

So was bell ringing!

So was bell ringing!

Not so much the really big slide....

Not so much the really big slide….

But Poppa pushing the merry-go-round??

But Poppa pushing the merry-go-round??

Way fun!!

Way fun!!

Ditto for the swings!

Ditto for the swings!

Driving Miss Daisy...

Driving Miss Daisy…

She was a huge fan of the ice cream that followed! She picked "Birthday Cake" flavor...

She was a huge fan of the ice cream that followed! She picked “Birthday Cake” flavor…

And they all lived happily ever after!

The End!

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Sometimes the Zoloft isn’t enough…

I wrote a whole series of “Letting Go” posts last year after our last family gathering. I returned from that trip hurt and resentful. I wanted to rid myself of those feelings, to teach my self to overcome them by being stronger and developing a thicker skin. I’ve failed…miserably.

I am really struggling today…I still hurt. I still waste my time and energy feeling sad, frustrated and insignificant. I still lay awake, unable to stop my brain from reliving those feelings. My resolve to take away the power of others to hurt me has become non-existent. I have no idea how to fix me. I feel alone. I’m no longer able to judge if I am exaggerating the problem…

I posted a while back about an upcoming family reunion with the In-Laws in September and my hesitance to attend…As it was planned for just a couple days after my return from Guam I had a built in excuse to skip it…

It’s been moved to mid-November…(Not to accommodate ME God knows) This effectively removes my ability to gracefully decline, which leaves me with a few options, none of which I’m comfortable with.

Having no legit excuse to skip the whole event leaves me with a difficult decision to make. I cannot lie and make one up, I just can’t…

So I can go, and try to avoid any solo time with my Sisters-in-law. This means I’ll have to stick to my Hubs like glue, because no drama ever arises in his presence. OR…

I can go and confront them in an effort to resolve all of this, which I’m certain will only leave me feeling eviscerated and them completely unaffected. Even if I’m able to isolate them from each other and have one-on-one conversations, I’m unconvinced that any sincere exchange will happen. They are Masters of Southern charm bullshit, the Queens of “Oh Honey Bless your heart” which everyone knows translates into “F*ck You”…I’ve already waved the white flag, extended an olive branch, humbled myself by acknowledging my own faults.Β 

Option 3 is to not go, and tell them why should they ask, which I’m sure they will not as I’m equally sure my absence will go completely unnoticed. I don’t exist in their world as has been evidenced on my last 2 birthdays when I got no call, text or email from any of my Siblings-in-law. Ditto for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter or any other Family orientated holidays. Sometimes I get a response when I send greetings to them on said occasions…Sometimes not. Nothing says F*ck Off like being ignored. Messaged received, LOUD AND CLEAR.

My Hubs is going, there’s no question about that. I’ve no doubt he will make my excuses. He shouldn’t have to…

I wish, more than almost anything, that I could be more like them in their ability to be unfeeling and oblivious to the feelings of others. To lose no sleep over such things, to feel confident and in control of their emotions so that they’re able to justify what they say and do, to have no remorse and to acknowledge no fault.

I hate that I continue to give them so much power over my own feelings…I give them the power to make me feel small and unimportant. It hurts to know that while they’ve been planning this little event for months not once has any of them included me in the emails or texts circulated amongst family members concerning the details, even in the beginning stages before they all thought I would be in Guam. Not now that they’ve moved it to well beyond my return has anyone thought to ask for any input from me. It all goes through my Hubs, because I don’t matter…I. DON’T. MATTER. That is an excruciatingly painful thing to acknowledge when speaking of “Family”…When I reached out to try and mend this rift a year ago, I got this reply: I’m not sure what brings on this message now, but we are family. For me, that means that there is an unconditional acceptance that trumps any need for truces or forgiveness. I harbor no ill-will towards anyone in my family and never have. It has never been my intent to hurt anyone in my family. Nothing ever has, or ever will be, more important to me than my family. I think actions speak louder than words….

I have so much left to get done before my trip, I have no time to waste in the depths of depression…but here I sit; sad, tearful, limp and unable to move….

*sigh*