A study of torture….

This was the first thing I said to another living soul today:

*text to Bambi-Lou* “Good Morning. I hate bras.”


I’m betting if you’re a person blessed with breasticles, you do as well….

I used to care about how pretty they were, now I just want to find one that doesn’t feel like a straight jacket whist keeping my Girls up off the floor….Consequently I go without as often as possible, which is why you should watch your step if you come to my house unannounced lest you trip over one (or two)….It happens.

Here’s a tidbit I shouldn’t share but will anyway: When Avery’s Mom was like 3 or 4 she told me “Mommy, when I grow up I hope I have nice looong boobies like you”  which is when I stopped changing clothes in front of my children…

Let’s take a look at the uplifting (ha!) history of the bra

Ancient Greeks first decided that boobs should be wrapped and flattened, and not just on women folk; apparently if a dude had moobs they got bound up as well! It all went downhill from there…

By 1863, the U.S. Patent office had over 1200 patents for “breast supporters”….and that wasn’t a list of guys who liked them as that would be a MUCH longer list…

I’ve always liked to blame the invention of the bra on a man with Mommy issues, cuz who else would want to torture women that way?? I was wrong. We were betrayed by one of our own, a chick named Marie Tucek who came up with idea of straps over the shoulders, separate “pockets” and the much despised hook/eye closure….Bitch.

I no longer believe that bacon makes everything better....

I no longer believe that bacon makes everything better….









And no amount of money can make a bra comfortable. Case in point:

This sucker cost $15 million bucks and betcha it still pinched like a mutha...

This sucker cost $15 million bucks and betcha it still pinched like a mutha…

So whats a girl to do (with her Girls)? I’d love to just burn them all ala the 60’s but I’m not that hypocritical, I shake my head in bewilderment when I see a woman out in public sans bra when she CLEARLY needs one. My Mom never needed a bra, EVER. I envy those teensy little hooters that she beefed up with inch thick foam pads in her bras, just to reach a B cup…

So I reckon I’ll spend my next few decades doing the same thing I’ve done for the past few; pulling and tugging at my bra trying in vain to adjust it into some semblance of comfort.





4 thoughts on “A study of torture….

  1. Amen! Preach it sista! I think the discomfort of the bra is in direct relation to the size of the breasticles (love that by the way!). But anyone with a cup size bigger than a B knows that I suppose. Leave it to me to state the obvious.

    I used to swear by the Playtex 18 hour bra. I found it comfortable though I don’t recall whether it was very supportive. Then I discovered underwire! I know, underwire is from the Devil! Some underwire anyway. The right underwire is supportive and not too pinchy (technical term). I found my favorite bras (one white, one black, one nude) at Fashion Bug and wore them out. They were very comfy and supportive when they were brand new. A few months later they’d get stretched out some and not be so supportive but there were still comfier than any others I’d worn.

    I recently went back to get more and they didn’t have any — wah! And Fashion Bug was closing! Sob. Alas I was forced to try a different style. And found my NEW favorite bra! Turns out for years I was buying the wrong size and when I figured out the correct size I was amazed at the difference. Bonus! With Fashion Bug closing I bought four (or five) new bras for about the price of two!! Score!!

    Great post Grammy! Way to put the humor in something So. Not. Funny. 😀

      • Dang it, I just tried to find the article I read but I can’t track it down now. I gave the hard copy to my daughter who is equally “blessed”. If you google DIY bra-sizing you’ll see a bunch of results. The video result at cafemom is probably the closest to what I remember reading. I was wearing a bra with the band too big and the cup too small.

        I won’t say that I LOVE wearing a bra now, but I certainly hate it less than I used to. And I feel the girls are getting better support.

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