Remember you’re not alone…

This is for anyone who has suffered from Domestic abuse, whether they are in denial or openly admit the abuse exists…

The following information can be read in it’s entirety at this site. And many, many other sources. Find one, read it, get help.

What is Abuse? – A Warning List

Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;

  • pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
  • threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
  • threatening suicide to get you to do something
  • using or threatening to use a weapon against you
  • keeping or taking your paycheck
  • puts you down or makes you feel bad
  • forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
  • keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work

 

Cycle of Violence:

Incident

  • Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

  • Abuser starts to get angry
  • Abuse may begin
  • There is a breakdown of communication
  • Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
  • Tension becomes too much
  • Victim feels like they are ‘walking on egg shells’

Making-Up

  • Abuser may apologize for abuse
  • Abuser may promise it will never happen again
  • Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
  • Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

  • Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
  • Physical abuse may not be taking place
  • Promises made during ‘making-up’ may be met
  • Victim may hope that the abuse is over
  • Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the ‘making-up’ and ‘calm’ stages disappear. 

The following about the effects of verbal abuse on children can be found at this site and this one: as well as many, many others.

Effects on Children 

Children who witness resentment, anger, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, or physical violence walk on eggshells. The usual symptoms are:

  •  Depression (looks like chronic boredom with little interest in things that usually interest kids)
  •  Anxiety (worry, especially about things kids don’t usually worry about)
  •  School problems
  •  Aggressiveness
  •  Hyperactivity (can’t sit still)
  •  Low self-esteem (don’t feel as good as other kids)
  •  Over emotionality (anger, excitability or crying) that sometimes comes out of nowhere
  •  No emotions at all

They feel:

  •  Disregarded
  •  Untrusting
  •  Powerless, inadequate, or unlovable
  •  Like burdens to their parents

Living in a household where they walk on eggshells makes a child 10 times more likely to become either an abuser or a victim of abuse. As adults, they are at increased risk of:

  • Alcoholism
  • Drug abuse
  • Criminality
  • Mental health problems
  • Poverty

Witnessing a parent victimized is usually more psychologically damaging to children than injuries from direct child abuse. Seeing a parent abused is child abuse.

Signs of Stress in Children under 5 years old:

Similar to school-age children and adolescents, infants and toddlers can also be impacted by trauma and stress. Although they may not understand everything they see and hear, they may nonetheless be affected by what is happening around them.

Very young children are affected by the mood and emotions of the significant people in their lives, whom they depend on for love, safety and security. Different children may have very different reactions, even within the same family. After a trauma, children may need different amounts of time to cope and adjust. Behaviors that you might see in very young children that could be signs of stress may include the following:

  • Increased clinginess or whining
  • Greater fear of being separated from parent or caregiver
  • Increased general fearfulness (i.e. more afraid of being alone, of going to the bathroom)
  • More anxious, jumpy or scared
  • Increased aggressive behaviors
  • More withdrawn, harder to engage
  • More crying
  • More tantrums or screaming
  • Difficulty comforting self
  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep, or having nightmares
  • Changes in eating habits (i.e. refusing to eat, loss of appetite)
  • More easily frustrated
  • Appearing to be less responsive, or showing little emotion
  • Possible acting out the trauma/abuse in their play
  • Afraid to explore their environment
  • Returning to earlier behaviors, such as:
    • Thumb sucking
    • Increased bedwetting
    • Frequent awakening at night
    • Fear of the dark or strangers

If you’re in denial, WAKE UP. If you’re in a violent relationship, GET HELP.  Help for you, and especially help for your children…Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical, it’s just easier to deny and hide.

No one deserves to live with abuse be it verbal or physical, and no one has to. You’re not alone.

🙂

Slow day…

I don’t have a lot to say today, lots of junk going on around here but nothing I can really talk about yet. However,  I do want to leave you with one happy little thought:

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes don’t see as well and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand” The Velveteen Rabbit

Have a great day…

🙂

 

The Times. They are a’changin’….

Christmas will never be the same ’round here…

When my kids were itty-bitty I quickly became very protective of their time on Christmas Day; we didn’t leave the house. Period. No Family get-together at either Grandparent’s houses, nada….Grandparents could pick any other day and we’d be there with bells on but Christmas Day my Babies were going to stay in their jammies if they wanted to, and play with all of the new treasures found under the tree and stuffed down the chimney. That tradition has remained for 26 years….

But now, there’s a new Baby in town who deserves the same courtesy so our Family Christmas celebration is moving to Christmas Eve so that Avery can spend Christmas morning at her own home in her jammies!

It’s gonna be sooooo weird….

I kinda stewed over how we would do the stockings as those are traditionally rummaged though with glee while Christmas breakfast cooks. Stockings are a big deal around here, no apples or oranges. They get filled with the good stuff. (obligatory assortment of candy in the “toe” section, but the rest filled with small games, a DVD, trinkets of various sorts and whatever else that I Santa could find that would elicit a “whoa, this is cooool”) The stockings had to be GOOD, as they had to entertain two little girls for at least an hour so that the whining to open presents was kept to a minimum. That way no one had to die on Christmas morning.  And everyone knows Santa fills the stockings so how the hell were they going to be filled on Christmas Eve before bedtime??? Hmmmmm???? I was stumped….

Hubs (being brilliant) had the solution; Grammy and Poppa would go visit Avery (and future wonderful Grands as we get more of them **hint hint Chef Vivi and Captain America**) at her house Christmas morning and deliver the stockings that Santa accidentally left at our house. Santa’s not as young as he used to be, so he’s going to be forgetful every dang year….See?? Brilliance is only one of Hub’s many attributes that caused me to snatch him up quick before some other heifer got him!

Speaking of Christmas radiant effin brilliance, I only have 2 more big DIY gifts to finish (and several little ones but we’re not going to discuss those right now). I can only show you one, as Avery is the only family member who doesn’t read the blog….

Little nesting dolls to teach her numbers, colors, and matching!

And they have their own little “home” for her to carry them in! They’re made out of little wood flower pots (only about 2 inches tall, Hobby Lobby for around $4) and little wood pegs (also Hobby Lobby for around $4). I used non-toxic craft paint to paint them and scrapbook stickers to decorate and then sealed everything with a non-toxic sealer cuz I know she’s going to chew on them! The box is just a wood lunch box type from Hobby Lobby (around $6) that I painted, decoupaged a little paper on the top and used the same stickers to embellish. I think they’re fun as hell even though 15 minutes after she opens it at least 6 of the dolls will be forever-more lost under the furniture (or in a Golden Retrievers gullet cuz we all know he’s an asshat)….still, for 15 glorious minutes she’ll think her Grammy is amazing!

I’m thinkin’ I should line it with foam or batting or something…

Otherwise, they’re gonna rattle around in there something awful!

I gave them all a different hair color, including this one:

 

Who’s going gray and is wearing red (my favorite color) so I’m thinking this one is me!

🙂

Revenge has a name. It’s Peanut…

I’ve made no secret that my dogs are assholes, it’s been well documented here….

Today I got my revenge, and it was SUH-WEET!

“Mom?? Wait…wha??”

“Ummmm no touching me with those sticky baby hands. Nuh uh”….

“MOMMMMM! DO SOMETHING!!” S.t.o.p. laughing….

Ya know how I rescued her?? Pushed her fat ass off the couch, onto the floor. Where the baby was!  Mwah ha ha! She’s not supposed to be up there in the first place. Only thing that saved her from a thorough Peanut mauling is the fact that she’s fast with the get a way….

As Pug hid behind the couch and refused to come out, My BRILLIANT Granddaughter turned her attention to the other one….

Is it just me or does her wood peg look like a stogey?

“Mom? Mom?….Ok, I’ll play dead.”

 

 

“Oh sure, kick me in the face as you dismount…”

He came to cower by me, thinking I’d save him….

Not a chance Sucker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All she wanted was to give you a hug….and pull your hair a little. Don’t you feel like an Ass now??

Totally had it coming, both of ya.

🙂

We are NOT tacos….

I mentioned we got a new bed….

Did I mention we got an Ergo-motion bed??

With controls that raise the head or foot of the bed or BOTH?? Like a hospital bed?? (but without rails so Hubs is no safer from hitting the floor when I kick him out. Major oversight on his part. Heh eh eh!)

No??

Well we did. We had a nice normal mattress/box springs set picked out after laying on about 15 different ones for extended periods of time, turning this way and that and generally flopping about like fishes outta water. Cuz we’re this many *holds up 4 fingers*….

The store only had one sales dude on duty so while we waited for him to finish up with another couple we goofed off on the beds we A) knew we couldn’t afford, or B) knew we didn’t want. I said to my Hubs in jest “Why don’t you go try that hospital type too while you’re at it”….He did. And that’s when the sales dude found us….

Sales Dude: Sir let me demonstrate for you. First, lets make the bed totally flat.

Hubs: Okey dokey.

Sales Dude: Now Sir, take a deep breath and slowly exhale while I raise the foot of the bed slightly….

Hubs: Whoa….

Sales Dude: Did you feel the pressure relief in your lower back?

Hubs: Yep, we’ll take it!

And so we did, with the mattress we’d original picked out to go on top of the magical frame. It got delivered Monday and that night we went to bed early, motivated by the thrill of a new “toy” and the promise of a sweet nights restful sleep and the benefits that accompany it….

Perhaps we should have hired the Sales Dude to come work the controls and tuck us in…..instead Hubs took charge and well…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Does this look comfy to you??? No?? You are correct, it wasn’t.

We fell asleep with both the head and the foot elevated and woke up this morning with raging effin’ backaches. Dammit.

Now I get to be in charge of the bed remote.

🙂