Dear God, please save me from a long slow death by salami….

Y’all, I’ve had a near death experience….

Salami. and/or Muenster cheese totally kicked my ass making me wish for a swift and merciful death….

Yesterday morning I did my good little housefrau routine. I worked on a birthday gift. Then I went to the grocery store, and THAT’S what almost cause my untimely demise….I came home, put away the grub and made my self a nice little sammich for lunch. It was tasty. I enjoyed my hard salami and muenster with mayo on wheat…..

For about an hour….

Then it tried to kill me….

Y’all have seen the original Exorcist movie right???

The violence of my retching totally put that Linda Blair to shame.

I moaned. I cried. I laid in the bathroom floor begging for mercy. I also had a brief moment of clarity in which I patted myself on the back for the sparkling clean condition of my toilet…..

This shit went on for HOURS….

Then my Back, being the jealous and vindictive little bitch that she is decided she wasn’t getting her fair share of attention and so commenced wracking my poor tortured and tormented body with waves of spasms leaving me completely incapable of finding a comfortable position in which to make any feeble attempt at regaining my strength for the next round of URPING MY GUTS UP.

I whined. My Hubs tried to coax me into sipping liquids, a suggestion I knew in my brain to be sensible but I couldn’t bring myself to give my stomach any further ammunition to hurl back at me (literally). And while I rejected his efforts to prevent dehydration, I totally appreciated the fact that he was offering help whilst watching his beloved Bronco’s on Monday Night Football. That’s love Peeps….

Puking ceased about 9:30 last night THANK GOD. I took a shower and finally agreed to trying some Crystal Lite but adamantly refused the accompanying  crackers…..and so I spent the night taking tentative sips while simultaneously praying they would stay down until I finally collapsed from exhaustion at around 3:30 a.m. into a coma like sleep….

And this morning??

Still taking tentative sips, having switched from Crystal Lite to coffee. NO FOOD. No way no how. Nuh uh…..

My presence has been requested at a town meeting on the whole stupid addition of medians on Mt Rushmore Rd fiasco this afternoon. I may eat a big meal before I go, in case the Mayor wants to argue with me, I’ve no doubt pulling a Linda Blair on his ass would end the conversation PDQ….








**Note** May not have been the salami/cheese after all…..As I was about to post this, Hubs came home from work sick as a DAWG too, however his issue is primarily located at the other end…Yay. I’m still not digging the possibly tainted cold cuts outta the trash…..


2 thoughts on “Dear God, please save me from a long slow death by salami….

  1. Ouch! I’m glad you feel better!

    The same thing happened to me on Sunday, but mostly because I don’t pay attention and instead of taking an anti-nausea pill, I took a pain pill that was hiding out in the other bottle.

    Cue the violent vomits for 10 hours. Ugh.
    My diaphragm is still sore when I laugh 😦
    Feel better you two!!

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