Lesson 9: Hi. I’m a moron. Teach me sumpin’…

Lets see…..

Hypothetically….

A few of us get together and decide to burgle a home….

And we of course (duh, we’re morons) get busted…

We can’t be bothered to come up with any plausible story ahead of time much less one that we can all agree on…

So we all tell a different one to the police….

Suspect One: Uhhhhhh….see, me and my girlfriend are looking for a new neighborhood to live in. Ya know, one with a low crime rate? ‘Cuz it’s better for the kids right?? So I was just checking things out, I dunno what these other 2 fools is doing here….

Suspect Two: So, it’s like dis. I wuz tryin’ to buy some weed ya know? And my regular dealer, he’s in jail, man. So I haz to find a new guy, see? And dis homey, he done took my money and runned the f*ck off wiffout givin’ me my smoke so’s I haz to chase his ass and he runned in dis house here and so’s I runned in here too….

Suspect Three: Officer, I was merely walking by and just happened to look in the window and spied a giant snake loose in the house so I, being a good Samaritan, came in to capture the snake to protect the family who lives here. Yes, the ones that aren’t home right now. Because no one wants to come home to a giant snake slitherly amok in the house….

True. Effin. Story. I cannot make this shit up, I’m not that clever….

Here’s the lesson boys and girls:

How to  Appear Slightly Less Moronic When Arrested for Burglary

Think up a lie. Any lie. Just make sure everyone involved knows said lie. Any lie is more believable when told by multiple people….for example:

  1. Aliens abducted you and dropped you into this strangers house. Google pictures of Aliens and space crafts so that you can give detailed descriptions. Don’t go into the whole anal probing thing as it usually just gives people the skeevies to hear about it. Do include the fact that had you all not forgotten to wear your tin foil hats none of this would have happened. Twitch. A lot….

It's best to keep your Alien description simple so it's easier to remember. Even for morons...

2.  You and all of your companions were suddenly and inexplicably overcome with uncontrollable diarrhea…Naturally, you were all just looking for a house that appeared clean and containing multiple bathrooms. No one was home so you were just about to leave a $20 to cover the cost of toilet paper used and an apology note when the nice Officers appeared.

(This actually happened to me and Red once. Not the diarrhea part, or the got arrested part,  but on this particular occasion she decided mid-trip that she had to pee really, reallly bad and just COULD NOT WAIT until we got to our destination. There might have been large quantities of alcohol involved, but I admit nothing. She made me pull into one of those icky “Rent by the week” motels because she saw a really nice gentleman sitting there with his door open at 10 pm….she flounced out of the car, introduced herself to the guy, they instantly became BFFs and she used his bathroom….That Ted Bundy, he was a helluva nice guy really…..)

3.  Demand to see Ashton Kutcher. Insist you’re being punked and boy is he going to be in big trouble when you find him….BE INDIGNANT.

4.  Amnesia. Who are you?? Where am I?? You think I did what?? I don’t remember….Who are you again? Who the hell am I?? This will most likely not work as a group excuse, but better left to when you commit robbery on your own. In which case it has nothing to do with the purpose of this post, as THIS post is about lying effectively as a GROUP. Never mind, forget I brought it up…..

5. Dementia. This one will work in a group situation. I suggest wearing your PJ’s, a dog food bowl on your head, (JO) and carry an old faded plastic plant in a stew pot, (ME) filling the pot with actual stew would be a nice touch although it will make it slightly heavy to lug to the scene of the crime. Also messy, but it’s an optional detail. One of you could carry a large spoon (BUBBE?) and salt shaker . Another of you could go sans PJ’s if they’re truly comfortable with having all of their wobbly bits out there for all to see. (PAM?? No? Ok) if you want to go for the allusion of truly wacko, carry a Snoopy doll and a GI Joe. Then, see #4 for the where’s, who’s, what’s….

Jo, Bubbe, Pam and Me. I am clearly the most convincing liar as I am on the outside of the cell....

None of this post should replace obtaining actual legal advice or representation when any group of dumbasses get’s caught in the act of stealing anything. I just heard about the original group of morons on the radio while driving to work and thought to myself “Self, those moron’s could have used your superior wit and intellect to come up with a consistent lie”. So ya know, I felt compelled to help….

Please resume whatever f*ckery you were doing before you stopped to read this, but absorb the knowledge imparted here for future reference….

🙂

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Mmmmm….Lazy day…

It’s raining which is such a wonderful thing here in the Black Hills where our wildfire danger has been through the roof….

I love rain….

When I don’t have to drive/shop/walk anywhere/leave the house….

It’s a nice gentle rain, no lightening, no high winds, no torrential downpours.

I’m a fan…

This is the kind of day that makes me want to curl up with a book, or have a movie marathon of old beloved movies I’ve seen a kajillon times. but today it makes me want to go paint stuff and crinkle stuff, tear the edges, glue stuff to other stuff and generally make a mess in the almost completed “Room of Inspiration and Silliness” a.k.a. “Grammy and Peanut’s Crafty Room”…

I’ve been “altering” things….as in Altered Art. I completely and totally blame Pinterest and Jo for this new obsession. I’m sooooooo into taking an old forgotten trinket of some kind and along with some scraps of paper, some hot glue and a bunch of Mod Podge and turning it into something totally different. I spent an hour last night rummaging through the deep dark recesses of my many jewelry boxes looking for broken necklaces, earrings with no mate, little mementos stuffed in there from 30 years ago….

I found a BUNCH of goodies in there!

So I’m thinking I’ma gonna take my cup of chicory coffee and my box of treasures and go downstairs and play after brunch….’cuz I can!

Hubs got his 50 pound chocolate cake last night….

Only 684,405,308 calories per slice...

And he played with Peanut…

And Peanut ate some peas….

She’s skeptical about the whole veggie thing…

Bubbe commented the other day about the Browned Butter Mashed Taters I mentioned having for Hubs Birthday dinner, as she did the last time I mentioned them, she wants the recipe….So here you go Bubbe:

Grammy’s Browned Butter Mashed Taters

  • Boil some taters
  • Instead of just adding BUTTER (not margarine) when the taters are done, melt it in a little sauce pan and let it cook til the little milkfat solids start to brown.
  • Pour the butter into a big bowl with the taters
  • Add some half & half
  • Throw some salt and pepper in there.
  • Mash like hell!

That’s truly all there is to it! It’s just regular old mashed potatoes that I brown the butter for, that’s the only difference!

We all ate til our tummies were nearly bursting, and THEN HAD CAKE! And these lovely little  cheesecake filled strawberries that Peanut’s Mommy made…

Oh! Forgot to tell y’all that Miss Avery Michele Peanut Butter Baby is rolling over now!

She does not listen when I plead with her to stop growing so fast….

She’s stubborn like that…

She gets it from her Mommy….

Enjoy your Sunday!

🙂

Happy Birthday Baby!

My hubby turns a ripe old 38 today!

As I’m still recovering from the 2 hour dentist appointment followed by a 30 hour migraine (I prefer the dentist), he didn’t get much of a Birthday greeting this morning, poor baby….

However, I am functional and optimistic that things will improve as the day progresses so that I can show him a good time later, ya know, it being his birthday and all….

And by good time, I mean dinner and a comedy show at The Elks Theatre tonight. What did you think, kanoodling??? Again??? Get outta the gutter….

Although he is still pretty dang cute, even at his advanced age so…..

🙂

I love him like crazy, and hope he has the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! Kanoodling aside….Tomorrow I’m making him a monstrous 4 layer chocolate cake creation that he saw on an episode of PW’s show and had to have. I’m now rethinking the wisdom of letting him watch cooking shows with me…..I’m sure we’ll all be blissfully happy in our sugar coma’s all weekend. The rest of the menu is dependent on the weather: If it’s sunny he wants BBQ ribs, and if its rainy (as predicted) he wants Chicken Fried Steak. Either way he wants Browned Butter Mashed Potatoes and green beans to go with whatever the weather decides will be the entree’…

Peanut’s gonna wish she was big enough to eat some of Poppa’s cake….

Have a great weekend!

🙂

Yay no work today! Wait…..wha??

I’m off work today! A nice mid week break, right??

Uh uh.

I’m off work today because I have to go to the dentist.

I’m off work today because I have to go to the dentist to be tortured for 3 hours.

I’m off work today because I have to go to the dentist to be tortured for 3 hours because I need 2 fillings and have a tooth that I had a root canal done to years ago and now its all broken and can’t be saved so it has to be removed.

Because I only go to the dentist once a decade. And only then if I have a toothache. Because the dentist is the scariest, most terrifying person on earth. Debilitating terribly terrifying. I’s skeered…

I was not raised on going to the dentist twice a year, or anything resembling regularly. You had a toothache, you ignored it as long as possible and then you went in and had the tooth pulled. ‘Cuz we was poor. And so it went until you’d had enough teeth pulled that you just went ahead and had them ALL pulled and got dentures. My Mom had dentures in her 40’s, my oldest Bro did. But….I don’t wanna….

Why? A) I’m vain. I’m married to a man 12 years my Junior and I don’t want him running around married to a toothless old lady. B) I like caramel. And popcorn. And all the other foods false-teeth-wearing folks find difficult to chew. I like chewing….C) It’ll hurt. And D) I don’t want to give my children one more thing to make fun of me for….

‘Cuz they would….they’re MY children after all, so of course they would. Watching your Mother struggling to separate her teeth that are firmly cemented together with a Brach’s caramel is amusing. Ditto for when she is so hungry after leaving the grocery store that she bites into a slightly too green banana and is forced to drive down the road with a slightly too green banana protruding from her face because her teeth are stuck in it….

They just don’t need that kind of ammunition….

So, I’m biting the proverbial bullet and getting my chompers fixed. Although, the real culprit in all my dental issues are not my teeth so much as my gums. I have ADVANCED PERIODONTAL DISEASE and my teeth are precariously close to falling the f*ck out of my head all by themselves apparently. That’ll be attractive….running around with my hand perpetually cupped under my chin to catch my own teeth as they evacuate my face, living in constant terror that my reflexes will be too slow and one will plop into my Friday afternoon cocktail at work. Won’t the boys have fun with THAT. 

No. Just…No.

After Satan the Dentist finishes with phase 1 of operation “Lets Make Lori Suffer For Her Years Of Improper Brushing, No Damn Flossing And General Lazy Neglect Of Her Teeth”, she’s sending me to THE PERIODONTIST for Phases 2 through 57. Where I will experience the joys of having the dead, rotten parts of my gums repeatedly cut away in hopes that healthy tissue will grow, and having my roots scraped to rid them of 49.999 years of built up CRUD that is causing the bacterial infection that has eaten away 50% of my jaw bone.

Fun, huh??

Yay. Me.

All I can say is, GO BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH! FLOSS LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW! USE THE NASTY LISTERINE NO MATTER HOW AWFUL IT IS. AND PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO TO THE EFFIN’ DENTIST MORE THAN ONCE A DECADE!!!

Oy….

This is fixin' to be Me.....

🙂

And this is why my happy ass won’t go in the water….

I don’t like to swim in water I can’t see through. Ok, to clarify, I can’t swim so what I meant was splash around and attract creatures that can eat me. Becoming shark bait has never appealed to me, although I have ventured into the ocean many, many times to paddle around and bob in the waves like the tourist I am. After living in Florida and learning about the Bull Sharks that will snatch your hiney in knee deep water I won’t be going in there again.

I thought fresh water was safe, albeit mostly icky with stuff growing in it that inevitably manages to find me and wrap itself around my legs, causing me to flounder around and make really uber girly squealing noises. Until now….

I read this article and will never go skinny dipping again. EVER.

YIKES...

Meet the snakehead fish. He can survive on land for 4 days and bite through your boot. He and his kin are taking over the waterways in Maryland. Just a matter of time before they move upriver and take over the world.

Waterskiing this weekend? Pass. I like my feet and legs just as they are, thanks.

I’ll go fishing, I still want a pontoon boat. I’m just not getting in the water….And neither is Peanut. Fish bait we will not be….

This little guy has nothing whatsoever to do with the Fish From Hell, but I found his picture and I just have to ask:

Cute? or Creepy?

No idea what the hell he is. I just can’t decide if he falls into the “so ugly he’s cute” category, or the “look at my claws, I’ll rip your face off” genre….I’m on the fence.

There you have it, my bizarre yahoo.com finds of the day….

What weirdness have you discovered lately? Your own family members do not count, however, home grown science experiments accidentally grown in your fridge do…

🙂