Oh yeah, NOW I remember….

I signed myself up for a sewing class. On purpose. I paid good money for the opportunity to be tortured and humiliated….

I thought it would be fun. I have a decent sewing machine that does all kinds of fancy stitches, none of which I have a clue how to do. I can straight stitch and zigzag, that’s it. (can’t do either one worth a damn. I have thread tension issues) The class description said “learn the basics of sewing, and the workings of your machine”. Sounded perfect….

Liars.

First class was alright, we made a pillowcase. On a serger. I don’t own a serger so not sure how that helps me learn to sew at home. We all lugged our machines into the class building for nothing, never touched them. But, now I have a lovely pillowcase in a froggy themed fabric for Peanut to use when we have sleepovers…

That class was enjoyable, the fabric was all cut out for us, we did a few seams, ironed the thing and wah la, a finished project that actually looks like something recognizable. Last week’s class???

Epic fail. 

Let me introduce you to our instructor, I like to call her The Stitch Nazi. Her Indian name is  She-who-gives-lousy-directions-and-expects-us-to-read-her-damn-mind… I’m sorry Ma’am but my crystal ball is on the fritz….

Her method of torture in class 2 was The Tote Bag. Big piece of fabric for the bag body (as opposed to body bag, which it may turn out to be if I have to rip out one more seam. I can fit her in it, I SWEAR) 2 skinny strips for handles, a bottom piece and a pocket piece. Simple enough, right? We began by serging the skinny handle pieces down one side to make a tube. I swear on all that is Holy she said “right side out”. As did several of my class mates, we were all wrong. Dammit. Ever had to rip out a serged seam?? Seriously, I’d rather have a needle shoved in my spine, again. That little fiasco took me 2 minutes to do and 30 minutes to undo…

OY.

Next, we had to sew the pocket to the front of the bag: Measure a line, draw a chalk line, blah blah blahditty blah. I get about 2 inches of seam sewn and my bobbin runs out of thread. Curses! Being that I’m not completely incompetent (I thought) with my own sewing machine I *smuggly* wind another bobbin. My table mates are ever so impressed with my prowess, which boosts my confidence to the point that I’ma ’bout to teach this damn class y’all. And that is when Karma smiled fiendishly at me and began to firmly and repeatedly kick my ass….with steel toed combat boots.

To attach the pocket, we are to top stitch a seam very close to the edge of the pocket, then repeat with another seam about 1/4 of an inch from the first. I whip through my double seams to the oohs and ahhs of my fellow wanna-be seamstresses and then noticed all the goobery places on the back where the thread is bunched up here and there from my aforementioned tension issues. BUT, its only going to show on the inside of the bag and as I have no intention of sticking my head inside the thing I’ll never see it so I’m ok with the gooberyness. The Stitch Nazi, however, is not. She comes over and inspects my work as well as my machine and pronounces me woefully incompetent in everything I’ve done. Bitch. 

What’s that whooshing noise??? Oh yes, that’s my ego deflating. 

She rights my wrongly threaded machine (which by the way, I have apparently been threading incorrectly for 10 effin’ years) and as I begin picking out stitches for the 2nd time, I ask her if I had correctly sewn the pocket on, to which she affirms that I have indeed. So I remove both seams and do it exactly the same way. My seams are beeeeyuuteeful, straight and evenly spaced (mostly). I take it up for inspection and to get the next set of instructions and I am informed that I have, in fact, sewn my pocket on through both layers of the bag, effectively sewing the bag shut. This is why I asked you if it was right the first time you Seam-Ripper-Loving-Old-Bat….

I rip both seams out. Again. 

Ya know what else a seam ripper is good for??? Shankin’ a bitch….

By now the class is 3/4 over and The Nazi is getting the idea that our dumb asses are not finishing this project tonight which throws her into a tizzy as completing one project per class is her goal….so she begins to cattle prod us into hurrying the hell up. As I am already behind from all the damn ripping out of shit, I’m feeling rushed. And pressured. I don’t work well under pressure….and so promptly reattach my pocket. UPSIDE THE F*CK DOWN. Cuz a pocket on the bottom of your tote bag is ever so effin’ handy, don’t you think??

I rip these godforsaken seams out for the 3rd time. The fabric is seriously looking thin and worn from where all the previous seams have been and my once admiring class mates are now gazing down their noses at me with a mixture of pity and disdain. Now I’m not only feeling rushed, and pressured, and a little teary-eyed from frustration but also stabbity. In a room full of scissors.

By the time I finish, and sew on the offending pocket for what better be the last damn time, class is over and I’m about 3 steps behind on the project. I didn’t even bother to pick out all the little cut pieces of thread protruding from everywhere as I meticulously did the previous 9000 times before I sew it on. And I press down on that foot pedal like a Nascar driver. My machine vibrates and rattles around on the table. My seams are crooked as hell. I no longer care as I’ve lost all will to live. 

As my homework, I’m supposed to finish this stoooooopid bag at home. By myself. And start on our next project, an apron….which I no longer care to make. I already have a perfectly fine apron that says something about wine on it and am content with it, I don’t need another one. Plus if something happens to mine, I can always use the “GodFather” one I brought Hubs back from Sicily. So I’m covered in the apron department. All stocked up….Please don’t make me sew another project…puh puh pweeeeeeese???

And now I remember why I despised Home EC class in High School so much.

Had a seam ripping Nazi Bitch for a teacher then too….

All I wanted to do was learn some basics so I could sew pillows and curtains and other small decorating projects with a little more finesse. Also Halloween costumes for Peanut, possibly matching ones for Poppa. (I envision him as Snoopy and her as Woodstock. Come on, that would be precious right??) I did not need lessons in seam removal as I’m already quite proficient in that thankyouverymuch. Hence the need for the class….duh.

Have I ever mentioned that I tend to go enthusiastically overboard when I think I’m going to learn a fantastic new arts and crafts skill that I’m convinced will A) be so fun and B) I’ll be crazy good at by buying up stupid amounts of supplies because in my head I envision everyone I know begging me to make things for them?? I am now the proud new owner of 3 yards of canvas material…to make tote bags out of….

Yeahhhhhh…..

I played with Peanut all day yesterday, and have her plus our good friends 2 kiddos today so I’m most likely not going to get my homework done for the final class tomorrow night. She’s going to make me stand on tippy-toes with my nose in a chalk circle in a corner right after she beats me with a measuring tape I just know it….I don’t wanna go. *whimper*

OR, Luke will have to come bail me out of jail for giving in to my stabbity tendencies….

Either way, no good can come from my attending this class…..

🙂