We’re buying stock in Lava…

2012 will be the year Peanut learns her first word. Lord help us….








Please let it be something sweet like “Grammy” “Mommy” “Poppa”  “uh oh” or “Hi”…..

Being a realist, I’m afraid it will more likely be “Fuckshitmotherfuckersonofabitchcocksmokersuckitwhatthefuckingfuckhelldamn”.

Or something similiar.

I married a sailor. I gave birth to a sailor (not the same sailor) who also married a sailor. My Grandfather liberally peppered his speech with words so colorful that I was fascinated as a child. LibErAlly. This family has some vocabulary y’all! Profanity is in our blood….

I figure we have about 4-6 months to change our speech patterns. Oy. Effin’. Vey….

I’m trying to come up with some satisfying alternative words, cuz sometime it’s all about how a word makes you feel when you say it that’s important…here’s what I have so far:

  • Fuzzle/Muffin Fuzzle….As in: “Fuzzle me? No, fuzzle you!” “What the fuzzy fuzzle??” “Ahhhhhh Fuzz it” “Listen Muffin Fuzzle….”
  • Shizznit…”Ouch! Shizznit that hurt!” “Shizznit happens” “Man, I stepped in shizzy pile of shizznit…”
  • Dabbit/Gad dabbit….”Dabbit all to heck”, “Gad dabbit, get the fuzzle outta the way!” “Dabbit *insert name*, take out the gad dab trash for the love of Gadsby!”
  • Cursed Monkey Pants….This one is destined to be my new favorite because I’m pretty sure there’s no come back for it….”Oh cursed monkey pants you muffin fuzzle!!”
  • Fargin icehole…”That fargin icehole cut me the fuzzle off!” “You fargin icehole, shut your shizznit hole”
  • Crap on a cracker….although Crap is probably bad too….I’m getting desperate. But I do actually use this one and it’s fairly satisfying. “CRAP ON A CRACKER!”
  • Poop knuckle….See? I’m reaching here cuz I really don’t think the baby should say poop unless she needs to, ya know…Poop.  But I think this one could be pretty versatile. It could be a noun: “Hey, Poop Knuckle!” An adjective: “Wow, what a poop knuckle” A verb: “He really poop knuckled that didn’t he?”
  • Horse Pucky…been saying this for years, I think my Sister-in-Law used to say it. “You’re so full of horse pucky…”
  • Nottafinga (which is of course from “A Christmas Story”) But it rolls so smoothly off the tongue….

 I’m also contemplating the use of a swear-jar, but honestly not sure if Poppa can afford it. Football season alone would pay for a years tuition to a pretty darn good college….Anyone know where I can get an empty 55 gallon drum and a fork lift??




6 thoughts on “We’re buying stock in Lava…

  1. It must be your Irish genes that add to the fluency of your speech. Curses flow in flourishing verses from the tongues of Irish people. They don’t even know they are using flowery phrases as they talk. I think many Americans who visit Ireland are shocked by the turn of phrase in day-to-day Irish speech.

  2. LOL! I’m a fan of shizznit and horse pucky! My kids and I said horse pucky when they were growing up. In my own more innocent youth I used to say “fudge” but that changed during my first marriage — ‘nuf said. Now I try to use frak (Battlestar Galactica) or frel (Farscape) but I’m not very good at remembering. One of my favorite things about the TV show Firefly was that the cast swore in Chinese; you could tell from their inflection they were swearing but it sounded so nice!

  3. Aw the dreaded cuss words. Yes, I remember when my Austin was little, I feared he was going to drop the “F” bomb when my parents took him to church! Or when he was the Ring Bearer in my brother’s wedding! Talk about sweating bullets! He never did! He’s 14 now and sometimes I hear him talking with his friends…my ears burn!

    Ironic thing, Grammy, I was JUST thinking about this today! I said to myself, “I want to stop swearing” (yes I DO talk to myself OUT LOUD). Then I proceeded to try to figure out HOW I would break the habit. But I didn’t have any brain storms.

    I do like “Great Balls of Fire” from Scarlett O’Hara.

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