My biggest pet peeve? Like ever??
People who chew LOUDLY.
That crap sets my nerves on edge causing me to gnash my teeth and my hands itch to smack the guilty party upside their head with what ever blunt object is handy.
Seriously, I hate it. So of course I spend 8 hours of my work day a few mere feet from someone who could make eating pudding sound like running sheet metal through a wood chipper….
What’s their food of choice? Mother effin’ potato chips MADE FROM NUTS AND BOLTS APPARENTLY.
It’s like Sasquatch munching on a rock while walking over a carpet of dried leaves and twigs and revving the motor on his chainsaw…
Does anyone make a muffler for the face? I think that would make an excellent Christmas gift…”Here ya go, Merry Christmas. Wear it when you eat for the love of God!”
So here is today’s lesson:
Dealing with the chronically annoying masses.
1. The Public Teeth Picker. Tooth Picker? Whatever, it’s a nasty thing to do at the table. If at all possible, distract them with “Ooooh look, a bunny” and then hide the dang toothpick. Or throw them some dental floss and tell them to go floss in the bathroom like a normal human being.
2. Guys that spit on the ground/sidewalk etc. Especially the ones that really work at hocking up a lugey beforehand. I feel confident pointing the finger on this one at guys only, as no woman I know would spit in public. My solution is to just smack ’em upside the head cuz HELLO??? Rude. and Gross and if I step in that you are a dead man.
3. The One-Upper. You know the one. They’ve done everything more times than you, they’ve been there more times than you. They can frequently be heard humming “Anything you can do I can do better”…I recommend Duct Tape. It’s really the only way to shut them up.
4. The Procrastinator. Gentle reminders not working so well for ya? Little yellow post-it notes go ignored? Electric Cattle Prod. Puts a little zip in their step every time.
5. The Buttinski. Not the Grandparent variety. Those are cool. I mean the ones that jump in to the middle of any conversation they overhear. Cuz they know every damn thing. And have an opinion about everything. Have I mentioned the wonders of Duct Tape? Duct Tape fixes everything. OR just turn to them and give them one of these:
What drives you completely nuts?? Let me know, I’ll add it to the list…