And then we called the ambulance and some of us went to jail…

As you know, (or should) I have enlisted help on blog post ideas…this one came from my awesome loyal reader and friend from back in our High School days, Libby!

The Holidays. You either love them or hate them. Let’s try to make avoiding the title of today’s post our goal for this year, shall we???

Libby asked for a little sumpin’, sumpin’ on how to deal with the HOLIDAY DRAMA.

I can help with that…’cuz I’m Grammy. **cue Super Hero music. I feel I should be wearing a cape…**

 How to survive the Holidays without bodily injury or incarceration to yourself or others.

1. If you need to mellow out before you can face the family gathering, have a Little Sumpin….have several Little Sumpin’s…

 2. Not a beer drinker? Maybe you should Chant. Oooooooommmmmmmmmm. OOOoooOOOOOhhhmmmmmmmmm. Aaauuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm. If someone interrupts you while doing this, stab them with a fork and resume chanting. It’s supposed to alleviate stress ya’ll….

3. If you’re a member of a pushy, domineering family and dread Christmas gatherings because you just can’t face having your head dunked in the toilet again, take a self defense class. OR, carry a stun gun and zap their asses. Whichever…also, as a courtesy to Grandma it would be nice if you’d ask your attacker to stand in the bathtub before zapping them. I understand people tend to pee their pants when hit with a big jolt of electrical current and this would make cleanup much easier….plus, you can just pull the shower curtain shut and pretend you have no idea where they are….

4. Do your rotten Grown-ass Children fight incessantly? Fake a heart attack. This will distract them from their own petty issues. *warning* If you’re rich, this method may start a whole new arguement concerning the contents of your Will….in which case just start dialing your attorney’s number and let them overhear you instructing him to rewrite the Will leaving everything to your cat. (if you have small children, then for crying out loud, be the Boss and make ’em behave!)

5. Slip a tranquilizer into the food. And then just wait for the ensuing calm, this should take about 20 minutes. When they regain consciencness, thank your loving family for the most enjoyable Holiday celebration EVER!

Look at the peaceful little cherubs....

 6. Tell them politely to leave their pets at home. 27 humans in a 800 square foot apartment is already a recipe for disaster, adding Aunt Edna’s yappity poodle to the mix is just asking for a trip to jail for animal cruelty when Cousin Dwayne drop kicks the little sucker….you can blame it on allergies.

7. Be a good sport about Ugly Christmas sweater #42. Grandma means well….You can burn it in effigy after she’s gone home. Whining about it will only cause other family members to plot revenge against you for making their ears bleed….It’s only for a few hours, suck it up.

I admit this is horrendous, but it means alot to Grandma...

8. Listen to your ipod. Tell them you’re listening to “Learn to speak Portugese” audio lessons in preparation for an upcoming work trip.

9. Remind yourself as often as necessary that New Years Eve is right around the corner and you’ll have a legitimate opportunity for drowning  the memory of this family get together in gallons of Scotch. And blow whistles…and kiss random strangers.

10. If all else fails, take a nap. One of the most legit ways to minimize the amount of time you must humor your family members during the holidays is to sleep a lot, or fake sleeping a lot.

Let me know how it goes for ya!

🙂

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8 thoughts on “And then we called the ambulance and some of us went to jail…

  1. I’ve got pretending to sleep down to an art! And another blogger read my Jello shots post about Thanksgiving and recommended something a little stronger for Christmas – whiskey sours or spiked egg nog. I’m all over the whiskey; egg nog is too sweet for me. And definitely another nap! Thanks! Now I won’t be so inclined to whine ; )

  2. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love this!!! Completely hysterical!!! I plan on fake napping a lot this holiday……oh wait….. 😛

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