Let’s start a lawsuit. And make it a big one….

Shenanigans at the Playboy mansion??? Wha?? Negative stereotypes there?? Double standards??? Say it ain’t so….

That is what this guy is claiming in his lawsuit against the Playboy mansion. He claims that charging himself and other skeevy types gentlemen $1000 to attend the “Leather Meets Lace” party with the Bunnies but letting attractive bimbos ladies in for free is degrading and potentially harmful to the delicate sensibilities of said ladies. He claims it’s discrimination. And he’s he’s suing on behalf of other men too. Because they are too devastated by the severity of this unjust situation to speak on their own behalf, I assume. ‘Cuz he’s giver ya’ll….

Here’s a list of other atrocities that I feel need to be addressed while I’m all riled up about the unfairness of life…

Unfair Crap we should all sue somebody over

1.  Getting fat from eating fast food. Wait…….somebody already did that….never mind.

2.  Getting cancer from smoking. Wait……bastards beat us to that one too…

Ok, here we go…I got it now.

3.  Suffering corneal damage from the glitter that got in your eye at the strip club. Those strippers are loaded with cash.

They don't just give these shoes away...

4.  Catching the bird/swine/Asian/rhinoceros flu from the NASTY handle of the shopping cart at Wal-Mart, they should clean those things.  Everybody knows those Wal-mart heirs are filthy stinking rich.

5.  Ruining your favorite ZZ Top tour t-shirt from 1972 with stains from splattering grease while frying chicken in Crisco. The Smucker’s people own it, and they gotta have ton’s of mulah. Either them or go after Tyson, take your pick.

6.  Having to replace your carpet when those munchkins spill that effing red Kool-Aid on it. I had a carpet cleaner guy laugh at me one time when I complained he didn’t get the red stain out “Lady, that’s a permanent dye. Only thing getting rid of that is new carpet”.  So sue the pants off the Kraft Food Company ‘cuz there should be a warning label on that stuff.

Yes, lets just skip the sippy cup and go straight to the water cannon.

7.  Enduring a painful sunburn when that SPF 4 you put on at 10 A.M. had the nerve to let you burn after 11 hours at the lake. Coppertone is owned by Merck, who is one of those MONGO drug companies so they deserve to be sued…

Smug little heifer...

8.  Having to survive the horrors of a papercut while making these dang votive wraps. Papercuts hurt like a mofo and that Martha Stewart is a masochistic bitch.

9.  Suffering the noxious, malodorous and possibly toxic effects of too many deviled eggs consumed by your Husband at Easter time. I’d say sue the Easter Bunny, but really he’s just a pawn in the evil plan to commercialize Easter. Those Eggland people, they’re the ones to blame.

10.  The economic impact of being forced to spend your hard earned money on all that dental floss/dental pics/toothpicks to get the dang popcorn husks out of your teeth. Orville Redenbacher needs to pay.

Look at him. Taunting us with his pearly, hull-free choppers.

Can you say “Class Action”?

🙂

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Go ahead, ham it up…

A food hug is so great at the end of an icky day…Plus this one uses up leftovers from the Holiday….

Here’s 2 other great recipes for using up leftovers, Turkey Tetrazzini from PW which I made over the weekend and was yummy, and my new favorite: Breakfast hash made from leftover stuffing from Jessica  at How Sweet It Is. It was fabulous!

But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to use up all the dang leftover ham….

Ham and Scalloped Potatoes ala Grammy

  1.  5 medium russet potatoes
  2. 1 & 1/2 pound chunk of ham leftover from Thanksgiving. (I’m guessing at the size, I did not weigh the thing)
  3. 2 cups shredded cheese of your choice (I never use just 1 kind, always a blend but the blend will vary depending on what I have on hand. Today it was maybe a cup and 1/2 of cheddar and the rest was swiss, plus some parmesan so maybe it was more like 2  & 1/2 cups of cheese. I dump, I rarely measure!)
  4. 1/2 cup finely diced onion
  5. 2 Tablespoons butter
  6. 3 Tablespoons flour
  7. 1 & 1/2 cups milk
  8. 1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
  9. dash of tumeric
  10. fresh ground pepper 

I parboil the potatoes just to slighly less than done. It cuts down on baking time. I also leave the skins on cuz I’m not a fan of peeling! Do whatever floats your boat!! Drain them in a colander to cool. While they’re cooling, dice the onion, slice the ham, grate the cheese. 

In a medium saucepan, melt the butter. Let it brown a little, don’t be scared! Browned butter has a nice rich flavor,  just watch it carefully. Saute the onion in the butter ’til it carmelizes a little . Stir in the flour. When its all combined and as smooth as its gonna get with onion pieces in there, add the milk then your spices.  Stir until it starts to thicken then add most of the cheese but reserve about 3/4 a cup for layering. Continue to stir until your sauce is nice and creamy. Turn the heat off.

When your ‘taters are cool enough to handle (spray ’em with cold water if you’re impatient or your peeps are starving) slice them as thin as you can without losing a digit. Spray your casserole dish with Pam and start layering; Ham, ‘taters, reserved cheese until your dish is full, ending with ‘taters on top. NOTE: You’ll notice that no where here does it say to salt anything! That’ll come from the ham. I can’t tell you how many oversalted ham dishes Luke was forced to eat before I figured that one out. Don’t be like me! Pour your yummy-nummy cheese sauce over the top. Poke around with a fork to let that sauce settle in all the little nooks. 

Bake at 375 for 45 minutes or until it starts to brown a little on top. Let it sit for about 5 minutes before you serve it as the sauce WILL BE LIKE MOLTEN LAVA!!!!!!!!!

 

This recipe will clog your arteries and make you fluffy, but your belly will be oh so happy!!

Enjoy your food hug!  

 🙂

Lesson 4, dealing with the Santa…

Christmas is my favorite holiday, but I am a realist and can admit that it’s also the biggest pain in the butt of all the holidays.

However, we brought it on ourselves with the “gimme, gimme, GIMME” mentality. Again with the realism, it’s too late to go back now so I’m here to help you get through it…Ditto for dealing with those pesky little skeptics (the kids) and the Family….

‘Cuz I’m a giver….

Ok, I know money is tight, (like always) so first lets focus on ways to cut expenses without seeming like a cheapskate….

How to play Santa without breaking the bank

NOBODY NEEDS THIS...

1. You can make gifts, but only and I stress ONLY if you’re actually crafty. Like Martha effing Stewart crafty. Making a sock bunny out of a dirty gym sock you found laying on the floor  is not going to cut it. If you have a skill you’re good at, homemade gifts are nice. For adults. If you’re shopping for kids, forget it….Take out a small loan.

2. Make a budget. A realistic one…Seriously, be honest. If you make $2000 a month and your bills are $1500 a month, you can’t spend $500 bucks on each of your 7 children, plus parents, 9 brothers and sisters, 46 cousins and 8 Grandparents. And the mailman. Not going to work….You can spend like $20. It’s just stuff, it ain’t worth going into the poor house over…

3. Instead of buying for everyone in the family, think about drawing names or having a Chinese Christmas. Now, beware….some family members may be competitive with this game, and there’s always one jackass who refuses to give up the really good gift she got (ok, its me…shut up) so have the water hose ready, it’s pretty effective for breaking up fights…

4. Take a vacaction during the Holiday. You’ll have fun and you won’t be around to hand out gifts to all the greedy little family members. Bring them back a cheap made in Taiwan souvenier…. 

5. Make a calendar with pictures of yourself and tell them “this year I’m giving you the gift of ME!” Snapfish has calendars starting at like $10 bucks…Don’t forget to highlight your own Birthday in bold colors on there….

 Next, lets tackle the issue of Santa Claus himself…The kids lack of belief concerns me.

How to prove to the kids there really is a Santa Claus

Seriously, Santa's on Facebook. That makes him REAL yo

1. When asked how one fat guy can deliver gifts to every kid in the world all on one night: Magic.

2. When asked how the short guys in pointy shoes make all those toys: Magic.

3. When asked how the heck those reindeer fly: Magic.

4. When asked how the fat guy gets in the houses without chimneys: Magic.

5. When asked how come the fat guy can eat all those cookies without getting a tummy ache: Mylanta. And Magic.

 Now for the really tough issue, dealing with the In-Laws….

How to spend Christmas with the Family and avoid jail time.

Let's avoid jail this year...

1. *Cough, cough* *sniffle, sniffle* (try to work up some phlegm, it makes a more convincing sound). Wussed out by playing sick last year?? Then you’re screwed….Suck it up.

2. Drink. Heavily….unless you’re a mean drunk and then lay off the booze til after everyone’s gone.

3. Wear discreet earplugs. Can’t find any? Then wear a beanie and use the industrial sized plugs like construction workers wear.

4. If the issue is an uptight Mother-in-law, perhaps spiking the punch would be in order. Loosen the old bat right up….

5. Avoid the following subjects of conversation: Politics. Sports. Movies. TV shows. The economy. The kids. Anyones weight. Spouses or lack thereof. Work. The good old Days. Aunt Edna’s wig. Bra sizes. Strippers. Drugs. Booze. Pets. Pet hair. School. Money. The money you owe Uncle Bob from 1987. Race. Creed. Color. The Constitution. Foreigners. Illegal Aliens. Aliens from other planets. Fruit Cake.

And even these handy guidelines may not be enough so have bail money handy…

Let the friggin Holidays begin!

🙂

Sometimes a little cooperation is necessary…

Sometimes you get it, sometimes not so much!

Case in point:

The butterfly baby photoshoot….

Being on her tummy is not Miss Avery’s favorite thing…

If I wiggle and bury my face in the sheet Grammy might put my clothes back on me…

Or not….

However, if I pee on her I betcha this game will be over…

My Granddaughter is a genius…

Happy Sunday, Hope your shirt stays drier than mine did!

🙂

And then I was done…

Black Friday….

Crowds. Pushy crowds. Long lines. Stores out of the one thing they lured you in to buy. No sleep. NO THANKS…

I finished my Christmas shopping late Thursday night. In my jammies. From the comfort of my couch. Envy me….

Amazon is amazing. Amazon with free shipping? My new bestest friend…

Here’s me, giddy from my black Friday shopping:

Actually, this would be me if Amazon sold Lypo...and I owned a hat.

Anyhoo, point is, my Black Friday shopping experience was stress free….and I didn’t get elbowed once. And that my friends is worth something.

 Here’s what Bambi looked like after her Black Friday shopping excursion:

 

Bambi's Rubicon is NOT purple. I just felt I should clarify that...

 

Traffic was apparently ugly…And that’s not easy to accomplish in our small town. Plus they were out of the one thing she really wanted.

I have friends that wouldn’t miss Black Friday shopping, they gleefully await it’s arrival every year. I’ve been, sometimes it’s been beneficial, and sometimes not. But it’s never failed to be a hectic, sleep deprived adventure. So unless a store is offering 99% off, I will most likely pass…

And this? This is one major reason why:

Cuz I don't want to go to jail...

 Two dollar waffle irons ain’t worth fighting over, ya know?? I totally didn’t make that up either, it’s on you tube so you know it true.

24 people were injured in 9 Wal-Marts around the country. One crazy woman pepper sprayed people who got too close to the electronics she had her eye on….for real. That seems a bit extreme to me, I’d have just taken J-Belle with me and let her shank the ones that got particularly close. No reason for innocent folks to suffer from overspray…

So while all that silliness was going on, I was snoozing ya’ll….I’m just sayin’. Got my shopping done, still got the sales with free shipping and avoided jail time, now that’s a win-win for everybody!

And that makes a happy, albiet broke Grammy!

🙂