Lesson 1: Dealing with a Douche Canoe

Have a troublesome Ex? Then this is for you….

Douche Canoe: I feel the name sums it up but let me clarify for those who have led a charmed and sheltered life….A douche canoe is just another moniker for a scumbag, deadbeat, dirtball or any person who is generally hateful, heartless, devoid of humanity, irresponsible, mean, believes in using people for their own gain, or well……douchey…Here’s how the Urban Dictionary defines it.

Chalk it up to a defective abdul oblongata. Or too much glue sniffed while still a youth, or maybe their Mom snorted coke while she was pregnant. Maybe they were dropped on their head as a child, or maybe they’re just really, really ignorant. Whichever scenario you choose to lay the blame on, Douche Canoes exist and you will at some point in your life be forced to deal with them.

Revenge may be sweet, but vengeful shenanigans are way fun! The plan here is not to cause physical damage, just to really, really annoy and confuse them….if you see them wandering around muttering “why me???” with a dazed look on their face, then well done my vengeful minions, well done!

  1. Take out subscriptions to “Living with Aids” magazines in their name and have them delivered to their new significant other’s address.
  2. Circulate flyers and whistles in their neighborhood/apt building informing people that this person is a convicted flasher and if seen do not make eye contact, blow the whistle as loud as you can, we have undercover officers in the area…
  3. While you’re making flyer’s, make up a few hundred more listing their name and phone number, advertising “cheap iPads $50 bucks or best offer” and hang them on grocery store/laundry mat/walmart bulletin boards.
  4. Take out a ad in the local newspaper advertising their desire to find a transvestite lover.
  5. Use plain white contact paper to make a bumper sticker that reads: “Proud Member of the KKK” and adhere it to their car…
  6. Have flowers or balloons delivered to their office with a card that reads “Congrats on your successful gender reassignment surgery!”
  7. Google “get free stuff” and sign them up for everything. Those websites are notorious for sharing email addresses so their email account will be flooded with junk mail…
  8. Get up early Sunday morning and put a sign in their yard that says” Open House, free coffee and doughnuts 8 am to noon”, hang a couple of posters on the corners directing traffic to the open house…
  9. Grease the door handles of their car with Vaseline.
  10. Go to all the bars/nightclubs in town and hang their picture in the ladies room with the caption: “Missing, father of 6. Please help us find our Daddy”

*Disclaimer* I’ve never actually done any of these things to my poop of an Ex. The worst I ever did was leave the plastic wrap on the american cheese I put on his sandwich. Unless you count divorcing him…BUT just thinking about fun but relatively harmless ways to exact revenge has always amused me….

**Disclaiimer #2** I did not coin the name Douche Canoe. The Bloggess did that, but I’m assuming she won’t mind my using it as long as I use it correctly. Which I feel confident I have.

 Plus, I really feel it’s a total argument-ender. You get in an argument, ya call ’em a Douche Canoe and boom! No more argument because there’s no comeback to top that….

You’re welcome!

This has been a public service announcement. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming….



6 thoughts on “Lesson 1: Dealing with a Douche Canoe

  1. Damn, woman, that is some helpful stuff right there. And so freaking funny. I would love to do that to the people who piss me off. I am taking note and next time, I am getting my revenge . . . Grammy-style!!

    Thanks for the laugh.

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