And thats why I hate Spanx…

Wedding Hoopla Day 1 (Wednesday)

Wake up at 4 because I have absolutely no reason to and could have slept in….Make coffee. Write a blog post.

Captain America and Chief Money *and More* (aka Cash, aka the Best Man) are off doing the touristy thing. Chief Money *and More* is on a mission to find fireworks, for no apparent reason other than he can. Chef Vivi, Britt and I are on a mission to find dining room chairs. I currently have 3 that came with the beautiful antique table I inherited from my Mom-in-law as 3 were all that survived the raising of her 4 kids, 2 of which were rowdy football playing boys. It’s a miracle 3 survived…I’m hosting the reheasal dinner for approximately 25 Peeps Friday night, doesn’t take a genius to figure out we are in trouble.

Our beloved nephew Coyle arrived from Florida about noon, I squeezed that kid til he begged for mercy! I’m making Chicken Fried Steak for dinner because it’s his favorite and play 5000 hands of Spades, because it’s also his favorite! I heart him….

Go to shopping for *gasp* spanx. To wear under my dress. ‘Cause I’m fluffy. Except here’s the thing: the parts encapsulated within the Spanx looked fine, but all that fluff had to go somewhere. Mostly it just got squished and redistributed to places it ought not to be. I was not aware it is even possible to have “muffin top” on your thighs. It is. Not. Attractive. Plus getting all that fluff pushed, pulled and dragged into said Spanx was a torturous undertaking. I grunted. A lot. Much giggling ensued from the waiting area of the dressing rooms. Because my daughters are Brats. I rejected any and all further suggestions of wearing the stupid things and opted for a new bra, a nice full slip and some control top panty hose. Oy….

*later*

The best part of today? Sitting down to supper at the dining room table (found chairs, yay!) with my family, just talking and eating and being together. This is what’s important….

Hoopla Day 2 (Thursday)

Wake up at 4:30 because my brain is possessed by evil and won’t shut the hell up! Make coffee. Add to blog post. Wish the boys luck as they leave at 5:30 to go hunting….

Throw chicken in the crockpot for tonight’s dinner. Drink more coffee. Make list of the 94799667439076546 things we cannot forget to load up in the cars for THE WEDDING! Panic when I can’t find a roll of tulle. Decide we don’t need it anyway….

GO. GET. FULL. BODY. MASSAGE. Because, ohhhhhh myyyyyy……it’s ni-ice…so very, very nice… one whole completely decadent hour of soothing music, covered by an Egyptian cotton sheet while having all the stress and tension from my toes to my scalp massaged away… it was Vivi’s first one, and now she’s addicted. Booked one for Hubs for after the Shindig, ’cause Daddy’s get stressed about their Daughters’ weddings too. **Infinity Day Spa and Salon out in Somerset, ask for Tara** Both girls got manicures too so their hands are all Wedding-fied…

Chinese food lunch!!

Errands….the bane of my existence this week: the jewelry store to get engagement rings cleaned (found out my prongs are worn down, so I get to pay to have those fixed, yay me). Dry Cleaners #1 for mine and Britt’s dresses. Dry Cleaner #2 for Captain America’s uniform. The grocery store, AGAIN. The liquor store for more wine, because….well hello??? I just want to move into a barrel of the stuff and not come out ’til Sunday. Plus Vivi wanted a couple bottles of our famous South Dakota PrairieBerry wine to give as a Thank you gift to the nice, but clearly deranged people who volunteered to dogsit her lovable but completely precocious dog Denny the counter surfer.

Home to finish up little odds and ends of crap.

Relish in the moment when the idea of “shoulda taken Dad’s offer to fly us to Vegas instead” hits and is clearly written on the face of the Bride….

Start cooking, again.

Get distracted and forget to set the oven timer for the cake. Over bake said cake by a good 45 minutes. Poke a hole in it to see if A) it tastes burnt and B) determine if it’s dry as sawdust. It’s not, on either count. Poke holes all over it, make a huge batch of caramel glaze, pour it over the whole thing and call it good….

Have a complete meltdown when Red calls to say she’s changed her flight from the butt-crack of dawn Sunday (thank God) to Monday afternoon so she can spend more time with us and I realize that means the continuing saga of “WHERE IN THE HELL IS EVERYBODY GOING TO SLEEP BECAUSE THEY DON’T SEEM TO GRASP THE IDEA THAT I ONLY HAVE 3 BEDROOMS????” is no longer resolved but in fact a problem, again.  Call Bambi and beg to borrow their RV, which her hunting husband is most likely camping in this weekend….Exhale deeply when she says it’s available, but already winterized so whoever uses it has to pee outside. Not a frikkin’ problem, because without it they would be sleeping outside as well so….

Thank God once again for giving me Bambi, but not just because she got Ordained on the internet to officiate the ceremony when our original Pastor had to move out of state. Or because she let’s us call her Priestess Bambi for the rest of her life. Or because she has saved the Newlyweds from spending a night out on the lawn in a tent….

Fall into the sleep of the Dead.

Hoopla Day 3 (Friday)

Wake up at 5 am when the thought “I FORGOT TO TAKE THE 15 POUNDS OF PORK SHOULDER FOR THE REHEARSAL DINNER OUT OF THE FREEZER!!!!!!!” enters my conscienceness and say the word “fuck” out loud…..

HELP. ME.

To be continued…..

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3 thoughts on “And thats why I hate Spanx…

  1. Oh Lori, you make me laugh and that makes me sorry because I hate to laugh AT people and I imagine I’m not laughing with you because you won’t be laughing about this until it’s over. Hang in there, it’ll all be worth it! And you should also have a massage AFTER. Or a whole bottle of wine ; )

      • I get that a lot ; ). Seriously though, our daughter was married on October 1st. It was beautiful but phew! Are we ever glad it’s in the past! Enjoy the day, best wishes for glorious wedding day weather!

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