The Sad Penis…

Meet the Sad Penis. It was the focal point of the tiara that Avery’s Mom (the Maid of Honor) bestowed on Chef Vivi (the Bride) as part of the requisite retarded Bachelorette party attire.  It was supposed to stand erect, but as you can see clearly suffered from E.D. (Erectile Dysfunction).

It also made it extremely difficult to carry on a conversation with her. We never realized how much she moves her head as she talks until she put the tiara on and had this flaccid pink penis bobbing incessantly at us with every word she uttered. She uttered a lot. It bobbed a lot. It was impossible to concentrate on anything she was saying, which only made her repeat herself which only caused more bobbing.

She herself was totally distracted by it. This resulted in her losing her train of thought, which made her have to start over which lead to more vigorous bobbing. It was a vicious never ending cycle….

However, it completed her transformation from normal Bridal shower Bride-To-Be….

To Bride-To-Be Fairy on crack….

 I can’t prove it but I’m convinced that Sad Penis was possessed (think haunted 1958 Plymouth Fury from Steven King’s “Christine”) by the ghost of Marilyn Monroe as Vivi was inexplicably attracted to the bronze President statues that populate downtown Rapid City…

Although Teddy Roosevelt totally came onto her first.

It started out innocently enough because she actually thought this was Captain Morgan and so wasn’t really being disrespectful to one of our Founding Fathers….

Hunching up on a Ex President is a highly inappropriate  activity for a respectable young Bride-To-Be…

I was appalled. I don’t know this girl. Go back to your evil Alien Pod and give me back my Daughter….

After a trip to a place which shall not be named and participating in things that shall not be spoken of **shudder** Sad Penis met his untimely demise. It was a tragic and brutal ending to an already sad existence. And just like that, the spirit of Marilyn drifted upward to Heaven only to be replaced by a more hideous, horrifying entity….

 Axl Rose.

An exorcism is needed. Call an Old Priest and a Young Priest. Bring Gallons of Holy Water.



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