In my next life I want to come back as one of my dogs. Either one, doesn’t matter as they’re spoiled equally rotten.
My dogs do nothing. They are responsible for nothing. No one even expects either of them to guard the house or protect us from Burglars or Boogie-men, both commonly expected duties of dogs. They do however expect, no, demand various things of me; such as get up to let them out at 4:50 a.m. when my alarm is set to go off at 5:00 a.m. Really?? You can’t hold it 10 more minutes??? And not just stumble to the door, let them out and stumble back to bed for 8 more blissful minutes of sleep, nope, feed them while I’m up. So that I’ll be good and awake and only have 3 minutes left before the alarm squawks at me anyway….
“Pet me. I’m here with my head on your knee, pet me. I don’t care if you’re trying to eat your dinner, pet me. NOW. Doooo it!” And I do….
“You’re cooking, drop some food!! I want some!! I’m not leaving til you do it, staying right here under your feet! Drop it!! Doooooo it!” And I usually do, but not on purpose…
“Gimme a treat! Gimme a treat!!!! GIMME A TREEEEEAT!!!!”
“Ok, I know you just sat down and got comfy Mom, but I’m thirsty and the water in my bowl isn’t quite as fresh as I’d like it. Refill it. NOW. Doooo it!” And I do…
How do I get a gig like this?? I want someone to wait on me hand and foot!!
Sometimes Luke and I take turns fulfilling these requests. Sometimes I pretend I never heard any such request until he gives in and does it….*fingers in ears* “lalalalalalalalalalala, I’m not listening to you”… I should feel guilty for that, but I don’t….He does it too….
“Ok, I know you just walked in the door, but feed me. Don’t stop to set your purse down, or the grocery bags. FEED ME. NOW. Dooooo it!” And I do…..
Here’s what they do for me in return for meeting all of their demands in a timely fashion:
1. Drop that godforsaken “devil” bone Patch likes to chew on onto my foot at least once a day (causing me to hop around and spew profanities) or leave it in the middle of the floor so I’ll stubb my toe on it (same reaction).
2. Dribble water on me, my book or my laptop after they get a big drink.
3. Dig in the trash given the opportunity.
4. Sleep on my bed while I’m at work leaving a nice layer of hair on my pillow.
5. Eat my earrings if I forget and leave them on my nightstand.
6. Eat my socks.
7. Eat my underwear.
8. Yak on my carpet after eating my socks and underwear.
9. Poop my earrings out in the yard like sparkly confetti.
10. Cost me a fortune in specialty dog food because they have food allergies and can’t eat the cheap stuff…..
And love me, defying me not to love them right back….And I do….The little Brats.
Yeppers, I definitely want to come back as one of these two…