In a funk….Or, come here and let me stab you with my pencil.

Disclaimer: No one was hurt during the writing of this Blog. I have never actually stabbed anyone with a pencil. Or any other pointy object. I have thought about it but you can’t give me a hard time about stuff I only thought about doing. Nope. You can’t….Nuh uh…. 

Ever wake up in a funk? A foul, black mood of a funk for no apparent reason? Where you can’t even blame anybody for it because you woke up that way???? Welcome to my world….

This is me today, gimme a pencil.....

On days like this it would benefit everyone who is unfortunate enough to come into contact with me if I could just stay home in my cave. That ain’t happening so deal with it and try to fly under the radar people! At the very least maintain a safe distance of at least 6 feet, and don’t make direct eye contact. Try to take sneak all sharp pointy objects, or things that could be chunked at you off my desk when I’m not looking….

No, I’m not out of my meds. Why do you ask????

Do not, under any circumstances think you can “cheer me up” by being all perky and cheerful to me. This will only cause my head to spin 360 and putrid green stuff to spew from my mouth. It will not end happily for you….Likewise, don’t fool yourself into thinking you can “out grump” me. Foolish foolish little person, you’re dealing with a professional here…it will not end happily for you. Plus there’s only room for one asshole here today and it ain’t you. Amateur….You totally can’t “out Snarky” me either. I’m the Queen of Snark. I roll my eyes at your pitiful attempts…..Com’ere to me, and bring me a pencil.

Leave me alone and no one will get hurt.

Try leaving me presents, like chocolate (Truffles work best) or iced Caramel Macchiato’s. Or a funnel cake. Just set them on my desk and back away slowly….It won’t totally cure the funk, but it could save your life. Or leave cash. In fact the whole cash thing is a fabulous idea. Send me a dollar and I won’t find your house and poop in your driveway. That’s a bargain. You’d have to pay someone a lot more than a dollar to clean the driveway.  You are welcome.

These are not complicated instructions, I really don’t see why people fail to follow them to the letter. If you choose to ignore them, you really can’t complain when you get eviscerated now can you???  It’s like ignoring the clanging bells and flashing lights at a railroad crossing and then wondering why you got squished beyond all recognition. It’s because you’re dumb, that’s why….

Have a nice day…

UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!!! I wrote this yesterday, but today I woke up my usual happy, cheerful self. Everyone should be perfectly safe when approaching me, the risk of dismemberment and other such shenanigans is verrrrry low today. So if you survived yesterday, YAY!!!  And if you didn’t, well….geesh I’m awful sorry but I hear they’re doing wonderful things with prosthetic limbs these days…. 🙂

 

 

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Better late than never? Or, I’m a procrastinator…

Remember the recipe contest from several weeks ago??? The one Chef Vivi won by default??? The one where I said I’d post the winning recipe like the next week and never did??? Well here it is, now stop nagging me!! (Ok, no one has nagged, but I kinda wish you would have, it would have showed you were paying attention…)

I made this Saturday morning to take to a close family friend who had back surgery. It was very quick to put together which was exactly what I needed as I was also cooking like a fiend for Vivi’s bridal shower later that day….

Baked Chicken in Wine Sauce

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

4 tablespoons butter, plus a little more for casserole dish

Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

6 oz (about 8 slices) Swiss cheese

1 can condensed cream of chicken soup

¼ cup white wine

1 cup herb flavored stuffing mix, crushed

 

 

 

 

 

 

Preheat oven to 350. Butter a large shallow baking dish, add chicken to dish and season with salt and pepper.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Layer the cheese slices on top. (I only had a block of Swiss, so I grated mine and sprinkled it on top)….

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a medium mixing bowl, whisk soup and wine, season with salt and pepper and pour over the cheese.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put the dry stuffing mix n a large ziplock bag and crush it. I used the flat side of my meat tenderizer…Good for getting out any pent up anger!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then sprinkle it on top of soup mixture.

 

 

 

 

 

 Melt the 4 tablespoons of butter and drizzle it over the stuffing crumbs. Bake for 45 minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I made some garlic mashed potatoes to serve with this. I got a report that the family loved it!

*Update* I made this for us tonight, and it was very very good!

Enjoy and Thank Chef Vivi!

🙂

The Sad Penis…

Meet the Sad Penis. It was the focal point of the tiara that Avery’s Mom (the Maid of Honor) bestowed on Chef Vivi (the Bride) as part of the requisite retarded Bachelorette party attire.  It was supposed to stand erect, but as you can see clearly suffered from E.D. (Erectile Dysfunction).

It also made it extremely difficult to carry on a conversation with her. We never realized how much she moves her head as she talks until she put the tiara on and had this flaccid pink penis bobbing incessantly at us with every word she uttered. She uttered a lot. It bobbed a lot. It was impossible to concentrate on anything she was saying, which only made her repeat herself which only caused more bobbing.

She herself was totally distracted by it. This resulted in her losing her train of thought, which made her have to start over which lead to more vigorous bobbing. It was a vicious never ending cycle….

However, it completed her transformation from normal Bridal shower Bride-To-Be….

To Bride-To-Be Fairy on crack….

 I can’t prove it but I’m convinced that Sad Penis was possessed (think haunted 1958 Plymouth Fury from Steven King’s “Christine”) by the ghost of Marilyn Monroe as Vivi was inexplicably attracted to the bronze President statues that populate downtown Rapid City…

Although Teddy Roosevelt totally came onto her first.

It started out innocently enough because she actually thought this was Captain Morgan and so wasn’t really being disrespectful to one of our Founding Fathers….

Hunching up on a Ex President is a highly inappropriate  activity for a respectable young Bride-To-Be…

I was appalled. I don’t know this girl. Go back to your evil Alien Pod and give me back my Daughter….

After a trip to a place which shall not be named and participating in things that shall not be spoken of **shudder** Sad Penis met his untimely demise. It was a tragic and brutal ending to an already sad existence. And just like that, the spirit of Marilyn drifted upward to Heaven only to be replaced by a more hideous, horrifying entity….

 Axl Rose.

An exorcism is needed. Call an Old Priest and a Young Priest. Bring Gallons of Holy Water.

Oy….

🙂

Ridiculously Thankful.

For McDonald’s breakfast…..’cuz after Chef Vivi’s bachelorette party last night I am not at all capable of cooking breakfast today. I’m not even kidding, not even a little bit….So I am ecstatic to use the “Suck for a Buck” t-shirt money she earned to buy our breakfast this morning. Money well spent….

Nor am I up to a lengthy blog post. I have no words…..I’ll make it up to ya’ll later!

Have a happy, relaxing, totally laid-back, Egg McMuffin filled Sunday!

🙂

Date Night!

Don’t you just love spontaneous fun?? Chef Vivi and I decided spur of the moment to treat ourselves to a fancy schmancy dinner at a Foodie heaven restaurant here in town, made possible thanks to a gift certificate Viv got for Tally’s as a Thank You gift  for taking pictures of some friend’s little girls before she moved to Washington. So free fancy schmancy dinner thankyouverymuch!!!

The food was, as always, fabulous. If you live around here and haven’t been to Tally’s you should totally treat yourself and go, it’s not the normal kind of fare you’re used to in Rapid City!

As good as our dinner was, it was not the highlight of the night, the talking, laughing, sharing bites of yum and just spending time togethere was. And It occurred to me that it was probably the last one-on-one time we will spend together before she gets married. *sob* We made the absolute most of our night…

Wagyu Beef with carrots, peas, black truffle potatoes and roasted red pepper foie gras fondue

 

Hawaiian Moonfish Cheek with black truffle risotto and parsnip crisps

 

What else did we do??? Prowled Kohl’s until they booted us out at closing time of course! (Did you know that Kohl’s carried Vera Wang?? Did you know that Vera Wang makes some weird looking stuff???) We ended our night with full, happy tummys, totally cheap fun watches and big smiles on our faces…perfection!

🙂