Disclaimer: No one was hurt during the writing of this Blog. I have never actually stabbed anyone with a pencil. Or any other pointy object. I have thought about it but you can’t give me a hard time about stuff I only thought about doing. Nope. You can’t….Nuh uh….
Ever wake up in a funk? A foul, black mood of a funk for no apparent reason? Where you can’t even blame anybody for it because you woke up that way???? Welcome to my world….
On days like this it would benefit everyone who is unfortunate enough to come into contact with me if I could just stay home in my cave. That ain’t happening so deal with it and try to fly under the radar people! At the very least maintain a safe distance of at least 6 feet, and don’t make direct eye contact. Try to
take sneak all sharp pointy objects, or things that could be chunked at you off my desk when I’m not looking….
No, I’m not out of my meds. Why do you ask????
Do not, under any circumstances think you can “cheer me up” by being all perky and cheerful to me. This will only cause my head to spin 360 and putrid green stuff to spew from my mouth. It will not end happily for you….Likewise, don’t fool yourself into thinking you can “out grump” me. Foolish foolish little person, you’re dealing with a professional here…it will not end happily for you. Plus there’s only room for one asshole here today and it ain’t you. Amateur….You totally can’t “out Snarky” me either. I’m the Queen of Snark. I roll my eyes at your pitiful attempts…..Com’ere to me, and bring me a pencil.
Leave me alone and no one will get hurt.
Try leaving me presents, like chocolate (Truffles work best) or iced Caramel Macchiato’s. Or a funnel cake. Just set them on my desk and back away slowly….It won’t totally cure the funk, but it could save your life. Or leave cash. In fact the whole cash thing is a fabulous idea. Send me a dollar and I won’t find your house and poop in your driveway. That’s a bargain. You’d have to pay someone a lot more than a dollar to clean the driveway. You are welcome.
These are not complicated instructions, I really don’t see why people fail to follow them to the letter. If you choose to ignore them, you really can’t complain when you get eviscerated now can you??? It’s like ignoring the clanging bells and flashing lights at a railroad crossing and then wondering why you got squished beyond all recognition. It’s because you’re dumb, that’s why….
Have a nice day…
UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!!! I wrote this yesterday, but today I woke up my usual happy, cheerful self. Everyone should be perfectly safe when approaching me, the risk of dismemberment and other such shenanigans is verrrrry low today. So if you survived yesterday, YAY!!! And if you didn’t, well….geesh I’m awful sorry but I hear they’re doing wonderful things with prosthetic limbs these days…. 🙂